Red
by i-am-the-fandoms
Summary: It had been quite some time after the attacks on Sokovia. Natasha would never admit to anyone but herself how damaged those events left her. Or how Steve Rogers means enough pain to her as he means hope. Pulling away hurts, but so does being close to one another. Captasha/Romanogers/Stevetasha with the appearance of other favorite characters. Angst, drama, and a chance at romance.
1. At the beginning

**Fair warning: this fic will have an angsty, self-depreciatingly slow build-up for my OTP. Why I like to suffer? I don't know. I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

Natasha eyes flashed open a few seconds before her alarm pierced through the silence of her darkened room. The shrill cry of the ringing filled in her head and she couldn't tell the difference between her phone alarm and the blaring alarm of the hospital.

Her hand slammed on the button angrily and in fear.

Another nightmare.

Her chest heaved and her throat felt the familiar dryness of gasping for air repeatedly while sleeping. Shivering from cold sweat, her hands flew to her hair pressing against her head as if to push the nightmares away. But when Natasha closed her eyes, the fire was still there. She could even hear the crackling of flames as they consumed her surroundings; the screams of people caught in the chaos. She heard it all, felt it all, smelled the smoke filling her lungs.

She wiped her clammy forehead and threw the covers off to head straight for a cold shower. The hospital fire had consumed her dreams this time and Natasha was certain she could feel the heat once again - the flames licking at her back as she hurried to escape. She felt it around her still, unbearable heat surrounding her body uncomfortably and stinging.

At least it hadn't been about Bruce.

Not that she was weak or couldn't handle it, but it seemed her subconscious was still not accommodated to the torture of new nightmares. The fires, the blood, the killings, the trainings - all of the horrible experiences were not new to her. Natasha was shattered after every nightmare, but she was also expecting them. She lived in the ashes of her past life; the pain they brought crushed her but she knew they were coming. It's the least she deserved.

Then came the dry memories of Bruce and their brief, almost nonexistent time in Sokovia.

 _That_ was new.

And yet the nightmares weren't really about _him_ \- per se - but what he'd represented for her.

She truly had wanted to give it a try - at the brink of attraction and care - it was a beautiful prospect, and Natasha had been honest when she told him about going with the feeling, that night in Tony's party. And he'd encouraged her. Given her hope.

Natasha had been a fool to believe him.

When the video feed of the quinjet ended, and left her with nothing but a blankness before her, she didn't know what to feel. The same notion of nothingness overcame her when the team disbanded and Fury told her about the possible whereabouts of the jet.

Nothingness.

The same nothingness of killing the girls around her to ensure her safety. The nothingness of Alexi's death and betrayal. The same nothingness of the Red Room after being wiped and wiped again to ensure loyalty and success. The same nothingness when Clint's arrow was aimed at her forehead.

The word clouded her eyes and brain.

When the nightmares started, she was caught off guard. She was back in the Red Room, surrounded by mirrors, with the same feeling of emptiness and the memory of Bruce leaving her. He always left her; his eyes held no devotion for her. She was alone. Dejected. Not even another monster wanted her. Alone. Left behind.

 _Left behind._

What she deserved.

It stung. The words branded her heart uncomfortably as she scrubbed the filth of her dream away until her pale skin was red and raw. The shower was not helping to clear her head.

Natasha Romanoff wasn't suffering from a broken heart. No, it was much worse. She was suffering from worthlessness and fear of never breaking free of the red.

After the shower, she dressed in her catsuit and dried her hair - it was longer now - gazing at it as she stood in front of her mirror. Today's schedule called for training recruits. The Avenger's facility was growing now, and while Steve and her had already finished with the basics for the new Avengers, they still had ongoing team-building.

The SHIELD recruits started coming in a month ago. With Agent Hill and Agent 13 housed with them to help, Natasha was confident. SHIELD was reviving, from the moment the helicarrier saved the people of Sokovia, and was only growing stronger with Steve Rogers protecting it.

Her mind lingered on his name.

The friendship that started back when the Winter Soldier appeared hadn't fizzled away as it once threatened to. Steve had become the friend she needed - just like Clint had been from the get go. Now, she could boast about having two best friends - two people that she trusted and trusted her back.

Two people that she fought for. Natasha knew that if Clint and Steve were by her side then maybe she could clear some red. Maybe her sins would be lighter. And if saving them by ending her life would be the way to do it, she wouldn't hesitate. She was prepared for it.

Almost two years had gone by and Ultron's attacks were starting to become a distant memory, or rather, just another crisis averted. Within that time, Steve had been solid. As usual. He'd been there to help her get over Bruce without addressing it. Instead, he'd show up at her room with a smile and an invitation to spar. Some days it would be dinner with the rest of the team, other days just them going into the city and trying out different foods.

He never really asked to talk about it, which she was grateful for. Eventually, she was comfortable and steady enough to bring it up on her own. They talked and she had felt lighter. As she expected, he hugged her tightly and assured her he'd be there for her - even if it was the middle of the night. He'd whispered about his own nightmares and how he was afraid to sleep sometimes.

He assured Natasha she wasn't a monster with such sincerity she almost believed it. _Almost_. But Steve Rogers was too good, too pure. Even though he knew about her past, either by her own mouth or by the open files about her, he never judged her. Natasha was even more determined to save his life if ever the opportunity arose.

He also assured her she wasn't alone. He shared his nightmares and his worries. His guilt. His mistakes. His trust in her helped her get through the bad days. A day like today.

Natasha sighed as she looked in the mirror. She felt like shit.

Chuckling at her own crudeness, she hid the desire to fill her eyes with tears. She needed Steve's optimism today, otherwise, things would go to hell. She needed to see him happy and excited to train the recruits, joking off-handedly with her about Sam not catching up to him while they ran. She simply needed a good dose of Steve Rogers.

Again her mind lingered on his name and she shook her head violently.

Within the first twelve months Natasha noticed that Steve was falling in love with her. At first she was pleased - sitting in the middle of her bed contemplating it. It pleased her to know she was still desirable and wanted. Bruce had left her ego bruised and hurting. With Steve's attention, she was working to get it back. Perhaps it was vain, but it felt good.

However, after feeling pleased, Natasha felt guilty. She didn't want to feel like that about Steve's affection. Natasha wasn't ready for them and she didn't want to take advantage of him. He wasn't a mission or a target. He wasn't one to be manipulated to her every whim. Steve didn't deserve someone who would use his love as a form of self-gratification. He deserved someone who would love him back with the same happiness and purity that _love_ was.

After the guilt came the sadness. She didn't want to lose her best friend. Then she would really be alone. With Clint retired (indefinitely) the only friend she had close to her was Steve. What if things changed between them? What if he decided to act on his feelings? She'd have to let him down easily, but she knew. _She knew_. They would never be the same again. It wasn't because he'd be offended or angry. No, she was sure the one to change it would be her. The fear that always bubbled within her would tell her to run, to get out of there while she still could and once she was safe and alone, she'd live a new life without once thinking of what she destroyed behind her.

The only advantage was knowing beforehand. Whether Steve was aware of his feelings yet or not, Natasha knew; she would make sure they didn't progress. After all, the Black Widow was nothing if not excellent at manipulation.

Natasha didn't like the idea of playing with Steve like that, but it was better for both of them. She was not going to let herself feel exposed anymore. She had learned her lesson years ago with Alexi. With Иаков. She was reminded of it by Bruce. Natasha Romanoff was not made for romance. She was made to deal with missions, to deal with threats, to deal with nightmares.

She was not made to deal with love.

Steve Rogers was good. He would breathe life into her everyday and make her feel like the good she was doing would one day clear her ledger.

Hurting him with her lack of emotions would bring it all right back. Natasha had to do it. She had to silently let him know he couldn't love her because she'd never be able to return the feelings.

Shaking her head and pressing her hands on each side, Natasha forced her eyes to clear again and looked in the mirror. Her hair was already done, her suit ready...but her mind. That was still not settled. It wouldn't be today.

She had started that personal mission almost a year ago - make Steve fall out of love. Natasha had danced around the thought Steve loved her for longer than their stay in the facility. She sometimes liked to entertain the idea of the soldier falling in love with her during their time in D.C.

And it brought the same feeling of guilt, fear, and sadness. Steve was her friend and didn't deserve what she was giving him - which was nothing. That had been months ago.

Now, she believed she had succeeded.

It was difficult for her. She admitted that much. It had taken him a year to fall in love with her. And it had taken her a year to stomp on the hope of it.

The day after she figured out Steve's feelings, she took it upon herself to act exactly the same and entirely different all at once.

It began with the same trips to the gym, dinner and to the city. She still went to him when the nightmares were too much and he was always welcome to talk to her when his were.

She didn't change their friendship. That was something too valued to ever changed.

But she made sure to let him know she was better now. At first he didn't believe her, but soon Natasha was able to convince Steve she'd gotten over Bruce, over what he'd made her feel and about the demons facing her each night. She pretended to walk around with a happier heart and a steadier mind when it came to her self-esteem. When she did have nightmares, they'd talk. Always about the fires, and the killings, and the Red Room. Never about Sokovia. Those nightmares didn't exist anymore - according to her. Steve could tell she was lying at first, but eventually he believed her. Natasha made it so - it was so convincing she almost believed it herself.

But that wasn't true.

Then Natasha started dating - anyone who asked her out. Meaningless dinners and club outings. Sometimes she didn't remember their names the following day. It was all for the sake of her mission. If Steve realized there could _only_ be friendship between them, then he'd extinguish his own feelings. Natasha knew him and was certain he'd never risk exposing his feelings to her if it would change their friendship or make it awkward.

After she started dating, she took up setting him on dates again. He was adamant about it - never saying yes to any girl she'd talk about. Steve never gave her reasons, just a sad smile and a muttering of being too busy still.

She knew the truth, but kept it quiet.

Yes, in a way she was lying to him. _But it was for his own good_.

It took long - much longer than she wanted - but in the end, the extra light in Steve's eyes whenever she appeared before him diminished back to the same look of friendship they once had. He never sulked or appeared hurt before her. Steve was too much of a gentleman and too strong to make her uncomfortable. But Natasha noticed, every now and then, the almost-silent sigh he let go whenever they parted as if missing something that could have been theirs.

Natasha wasn't stupid. If she wasn't so damaged, they would have been happy together. They would have made it work and would have been happy and great and almost perfect...

But it was a nice dream. That's why when it happened, she mourned the loss of it, too.

Shaking her head, Natasha looked at herself once more. Those memories only made it worse.

It had been three months since the extra light in Steve's eyes, reserved just for her, had gone away. He still hadn't said yes to any dates, even though Sam had also taken it upon himself to drag him out to mingle whenever they were in the city.

Natasha opened the door of her room and walked out into the hall - head held high as usual. The show must go on. She was supposed to meet with Maria in twenty minutes. That gave her enough time to grab a quick breakfast in the cafeteria (and thank their lucky stars Stark was in charge of running the place - they had top quality food). She'd push the bad day back until Steve was next to her. He'd help her.

Turning the corner she spotted him, leaning against the corner of the hall. His broad back was facing her; she noticed he was wearing his suit, shield secure on his back. Probably getting ready for another mission with Sam.

She faltered and made no sound when a thin hand came out from in front of him and held Steve's shoulder. Natasha couldn't see who it was, but the woman was wearing black - judging by the long sleeve covering her wrist.

Suddenly, that same hand turned to an entire arm. They were hugging. Natasha was still frozen in the spot. The mystery woman was holding on tightly and Nat could see Steve's arms wrapping around her waist, head leaning on her shoulder as she stood on her toes to soothe him - _soothe each other._

"What am I going to do without her, Steve…what are _we_ going to do..." the voice said. Natasha recognized it quickly. Sharon Carter. What caught more of her attention was the tone of it. She sounded weepy, strained, and sad.

"Peggy wouldn't want us beating ourselves up for this," he said, and Natasha almost didn't recognize his voice.

"But she was everything I had. It was Aunt Peggy who took care of me when my parents died. Aunt Peggy who taught me to be who I am now…" Sharon said, crying freely now. Steve pulled her away and held on to her shoulders. One hand lifted her chin.

"I understand, Sharon, but she isn't everything you have now. You have this. SHIELD. Your friends. You have me, okay. We'll get by…"

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said, her voice filled with guilt, "I'm being selfish. You must be hurting just as much and here I am..."

"It's okay...when do we leave?"

"The car will be ready for us in a half an hour. She asked to be buried...to be buried in _Brooklyn_ ," Sharon said, her voice breaking with the last word. Steve visibly tensed, shoulders squaring off instantly and Natasha knew he was trying to keep it together - to not break down.

"I'll talk to Hill and Fury about the mission," Steve said, voice rough, "I'll meet you...by the car."

Before they broke away, Natasha stepped back and hid within the shadows of a weapon's closet. She had to talk to Steve but didn't know what to say to Sharon. They hadn't worked together much, and Nat wasn't good at comforting a person she didn't know. Stealing a last glance, she saw Sharon head back to her own quarters. Steve stayed, leaning on the wall, his hand going through his hair.

Natasha took this opportunity and slipped out of the closet, walking silently up to him. He noticed her almost instantly, no expression on his face except for wide, glassy eyes. It was as if someone sucked the air out of her.

 _The day had officially gone to shit._

"Hey…" she whispered.

"Hey"

"Going somewhere?"

"Brooklyn," he said, a heartbreaking frown forming in his lips, "Peggy's last wish. _Brooklyn_."

"Steve…"

"She asked to be buried there. Nat, and I wasn't there for her…I never was," he said, choking back a sob as he cleared his throat, "I didn't deserve her then and now...now that she's…that she's…."

Natasha noticed he didn't want to say it, couldn't say it. Steve sighed and blinked back the threat of tears.

"I'm sorry," Natasha said, "But I know nothing I say is going to make you feel any better."

"Don't underestimate yourself, Nat," he said, turning to her with glassy blue eyes, "You're important to me. Just being here is making me feel better."

Speechless, Natasha smiled and grabbed his hand giving it a light squeeze. They stayed that way for a few minutes, Steve trying to get his breathing back to normal. Little by little the uneasy sighs rippling in his chest subsided. He closed his eyes.

"I'll tell them about the mission. You go get ready," Natasha said, letting go of his hand and pushing him towards his room. He complied without any resistance soon leaving her alone in the hallway. Turning on her heels, she walked over to Hill's office where she would find Fury as well.

She passed Wanda and Vision in the sparring room, then Rhodey in the mechanic station as he fidgeted with his suit and talked to Tony via screen link. Once she arrived, Maria and Fury looked at her.

"Agent Romanoff," Fury greeted, hands on his back and ever-black attire contrasting against the off-white walls of the room.

"Director, Agent Hill," she greeted, "Captain Rogers just received message from Agent 13. Agent Margaret Carter has passed away."

Fury and Maria's faces shifted immediately, looking at each other with solemn glances.

"I understand. The funeral?" Maria asked.

"In Brooklyn, today."

"Then I suggest you let your team know and get ready, Agent Romanoff," Fury said, head down, "Agent Margaret Carter started SHIELD and we all owe her our respects. You and the team will be traveling with Captain Rogers and Agent 13. I'm sure they will need you all in a time like this."

"Yes, sir," Natasha said, while Maria called the rest of the team to her office via com-links.

"Shall I contact the other Avengers, sir?" Maria asked.

"Get Stark on the line. Thor's in Asgard and Barton is safe at home," Fury said, sparing an almost non-existent glance at Natasha, "The rest…"

"Understood. Very well, Agent Romanoff, missions and trainings will be postponed today. You make sure to bring our Captain back in one piece."

Natasha nodded, and the exchange between her and Maria made her feel strange, as if Hill knew something she didn't. Before curiosity got the best of her, she turned and walked out the door. Without surprise, Sam, Rhodey, Wanda and Vision were walking up to her - expressions curious.

"We're postponing trainings and missions for today," Natasha started off, looking at her team, "We're heading to Brooklyn. Unfortunately, Agent Margaret Carter, founder of SHIELD, has passed away."

"Am I missing something here? Why are we all going?" Rhodey asked.

"Her and Steve," Sam said, realization dawning on him, "Is he okay?"

"That's what we have to make sure."

* * *

The drive over to the funeral was solemn and long. Natasha noticed Sharon's surprise when the entire team greeted her at the entrance of the facility and let her know they were attending to show their respects on behalf of Fury, who understandably couldn't make it.

Steve smiled softly although it didn't reach his eyes. Natasha's eyes flashed with the fires of her nightmare once again. Shaking her head, she walked on.

They left in multiple cars. Sam, Vision, Rhodey and Wanda driving behind them, while Steve, Nat, and Sharon led the way. The car ride was quiet. No one really had the urge to talk anyways.

Instead, Natasha looked at Steve. He was wearing his old army uniform - the deep green as intact as ever, khaki tie folded neatly into his shirt and hair combed perfectly. Sam and Rhodey had also sported their army attire stating they weren't only saying goodbye to an agent, but to a soldier.

Sharon looked beautiful, her knee length dress giving her an air of classic 40's fashion. The dress, cinched at her waist, spread out slightly and contrasting against her milky skin. It was demure and gorgeous. The long sleeve of the dress accentuated with a thin pearl bracelet and earrings. Her golden hair was twisted into a low bun to the side of her head, loose tendrils framing her face - Natasha was discreet but looked at her as if analyzing a new mission. Why? She didn't know.

With a sigh, Nat withdrew her stare from the agent and focused them on Steve.

She had been to many funerals - sometimes as a spy, other times claiming a victory, other times to mourn a loss. Whatever the case, she knew how emotionally draining they were. Taking a good look at Steve, she noticed his face was stoic and it worried her. He was torn up - she knew it - but wasn't going to show it. He'd only cried twice in his life, she remembered.

When they arrived, the clouds were gray and dense. Natasha couldn't help but notice how fitting it was. Upon entering, they were met with a solemn Tony Stark and Pepper Pots.

"Steve," Tony said, no trace of humor in his voice, "We're here for you."

"Thank you, Tony," he answered, before the billionaire wrapped him in a hug.

"I know how important she was to you. Hell, she was a constant in my life as well. The only closest thing to a loving aunt that I ever had. Aunt Peggy…" Tony reminisce sadly, "She was one of three who always remembered my birthday as a child..."

"She was perfect, wasn't she?" Steve asked, and Natasha could almost see the waves of sincerity that statement came with.

"She was."

After receiving a hug from Pepper, Steve strolled off to where Peggy lay, his hand gracing over the British flag that covered the lower half. Next to him stood Sharon, her head draped on his shoulder. Her shoulders shuddered from the tears she was draining.

"He's going to keep it all inside and break plenty of punching bags, isn't he?" Sam asked, turning to Natasha. The group of Avengers had gathered together and spoke among themselves.

"We'll take good care of him," Wanda said, "At least I owe him that much. After Pietro passed, he was there to piece me back together like an older brother. The least I can do is show him he is cared for equally."

"Most importantly, you have to get through to him, Romanoff," Tony said, looking straight at her, "I'm not trying to bring Sam down, or his metal buddy, but you are his best friend."

"I know, Stark. I won't let him down."

"Good," he said, glancing to the captain, "You're more than welcome to stay in the tower tonight. Going back to the facilities will be a long drive and I think Steve and Sharon are on their last string."

Natasha couldn't help but feel uneasy when she heard their names together. Steve and Sharon. It sounded nice, pleasant, and normal. She instantly despised it although she didn't question why. Later, the group broke away, Wanda and Vision going off to sit close to one another, Rhodey and Tony standing with Pepper by the tall windows, Sam and Natasha were left behind.

They didn't talk for a while. Natasha was too wrapped up in her own emotions, demons, and confusion. Then there was the hollow sadness she felt for Steve. Peggy was one of the two ties he had left of the world he knew. With her gone, Steve would feel alone once again. For Peggy Carter, it may have been 75 years of not seeing Steve and letting her love for him dull with time. But for Steve, it had been less than 5 years. His thoughts of her were still fresh in his mind.

"He's going to be alright," Natasha said, looking over to Sam. He nodded and looked back at her.

"I know he is. That guy is the strongest person I know. He knew this was coming. I guess what hurts him the most is the years he didn't get to spend with her. We talk about it sometimes, about what we would want if our lives were normal."

"What does he say?"

"He said his life stopped being normal almost 80 years ago when the serum first ran through his system. Still, some days he wishes he would have been found. He tells me he would have married Peggy first thing. But then," Sam said, shaking his head sadly, "Then he gets serious and tells me the man who wanted that went into the ice; someone else came out. Repeats it like he's trying to make himself believe that."

"I get him," Natasha said, "Our lives are similar. We can't get away from it. We've been made for this environment - literally. So many things have happened that now...it's impossible to have a normal life. Sometimes it hurts too much to want it so we block it out..."

"Yeah, I know. That's probably why he fell in love with you, I mean aside from being beautiful, lethal, and intelligent like Peggy."

Natasha whipped her head to face him, and felt as if a bucket of ice water had been dropped on her - soaking her entire being. She was between blushing and heaving with anger. And she definitely didn't need to hear that right now. Or today. But Sam looked at her unflinchingly.

A wave of anger - aimed at herself - rushed over her. The fire of the hospital glazed her eyes, the lies she told Steve for a year - _it was for his own good_ \- fresh in her mind. He couldn't love her. He couldn't love her. It would destroy him. Then destroy her. Natasha bit back a sob and cleared the hurt from her eyes.

"How…" she said, her surprise not fading from her delicate face. Sam looked at her, smiling and at the same time not really - there was a mix of bitterness and hurt in his eyes. Natasha tried to compose herself, but she suspected he saw right through the act.

"Come on, Romanoff, you may be his best friend, but so am I. He told me about his feelings for you. Told me you knew - it was obvious to him when you took a stand to it."

"He knew?" she asked, sadness overcoming her. Nothingness.

"Yes, and he respected your wishes and was grateful you found a way to make sure your friendship was left intact. Sometimes he even blames himself for falling for you. He tells me it was insensitive of him to push you when you were still mending a broken heart."

"I didn't have a broken heart," Natasha said, teeth grinding against each other. However, her heart broke at the thought of Steve blaming himself for loving her.

"Still…"

"If he's okay with it then why-" she began but he interrupted her.

"Why am I annoyed by it? Why bring it up?" Sam asked, looking at her then crossing his arms. He looked back at Steve, "Because Steve is strong but he's not indestructible and I don't want to see you regret it later and go after him once he's moved on."

"That won't happen," Natasha said, the words stinging her lips, "He deserves someone who can love him back. I was never trained to do that. I _don't_ do that."

They were silent for what seemed an eternity before he turned to her again.

"Natasha, we've worked together for two years. We've been on many missions and have been saved by Steve more times than we would like to admit. But _we've_ also saved each other, helped each other. We've grown as friends - you and I. The reason I brought this up wasn't to make you feel bad or to threaten you into not hurting Steve because we both know how useless that is."

"Then why bring it up?"

"Because I care. I know how important Steve is to you. You may think you can't love anyone right now and maybe you're right, even if no one believes that. We're not going to push you on it. But if you aren't right and the moment you lose what you thought was yours you change your mind...it might be too late."

They both looked at Steve and Sharon, talking quietly among themselves near a window. Both looked better than when they entered, faces still drained of any color but at least they were smiling. Sharon placed a hand on Steve, squeezing his shoulder lightly. He smiled at her.

Natasha got what Sam was saying but she was adamant with her choice. She had done what was best for Steve. And no one was going to change her mind.

Not even herself.

"He deserves someone who can love him back," she repeated, looking at Sam straight in his eyes, "I can't do that."

"Then I hope you believe it, too."

Silently, the separated. Natasha felt as if someone had punched her. She was dizzy, angry, and confused. Of course, Sam meant well, but she didn't need those words in her head. The day was bad enough already.

Natasha sat down in one of the far end chairs, taking a photo album in her hands from the nearby table. It was blue and worn. Opening it, the first page was blank except for a date scribbled in elegant script. The ink seeped through the yellowed paper, seeming thicker. Several ink spots dotted the date underneath.

 _1945_

Natasha sighed. It must be Peggy's handwriting. Cautiously, she turned the page and was greeted with a black and white photo. The edges were extremely worn and tearing. However, the picture was still clear. Peggy, sitting on a crate, ankles crossed, and in full uniform. Her curled hair framed her face beautifully. She was looking down; a soft smile played in her lips. Below her was Captain Rogers, in a dark trench coat that ended at his waist. His helmet looked filthy and his shield was different. He looked up at her, too. A smile - his was wider - lit up his eyes. She had seen that light before but refused to think of it.

 _You were robbed of this life, Steve. And I'm not going to do the same._

She looked up. Steve was alone, hands in his pockets. Not hesitating, she stood - book in hand - and walked up to him. Nudging his elbow, she smiled when he turned.

"Soldier," she greeted, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm all cried out."

"You haven't cried."

"On the inside."

"Look what I found," Natasha said, opening the photo album in her hands. Steve turned to her and shot her a wide smile. She felt slightly better instantly and hoped he did too.

"I remember that," he said, for the first time today sounding sincerely happy.

"Of course you do, eidetic memory, no?"

"That's not the only reason. That was a bad day for me - the shows were getting to me and I felt useless, like a joke. Peggy caught me sketching myself as a dancing monkey, quite literally, and she put me in my place."

"I like her already," Natasha said, smiling down at the photograph, "Then what happened?"

"She sat down on that crate, looking at me like I was a lost puppy, and asked me if those were my only options. Peggy made me believe in myself and I owed her for that. Next thing we knew, I was in a jet with Howard and her getting teased about fondue and jumping off to save Bucky."

"How about this one?" Natasha said, turning the page and coming face to face with a group photo. It looked like it had been taken in the camp where they were stationed.

"Those are the Howling Commandos. My team. We led most of the undercover or black ops missions, infiltrated plenty of Hydra bases. Howard, Peggy and Col. Chester kept us in shape. Howard with the latest weapons and technology. The colonel with military strategies and a reminder of the rules every time we broke them. Peggy was the toughest. She kept us in line and made sure we planned everything, came back in one piece. She definitely showed us a thing or two about trainings."

"And I'm sure that's how she'd like to be remembered, Steve," Natasha said softly and closed the photo album, "Don't worry about what you didn't get to spend with her. Think about all the time you did, no matter how short it was. I'm not saying life was fair with you or that it shouldn't hurt, but she taught you a lesson without even knowing it. Peggy was strong enough to live her life, to hold on to the good memories and to be happy again because she knew that's what you would have wanted from her."

"I know…"

"And now...you have to follow her lesson. Be strong enough to be happy again. To honor the good memories she left you with and live again because I'm damn sure that's what she wanted you to do."

"Yes, ma'am," Steve said, "You can stop lecturing me now."

"Well, if Peggy isn't going to do it now, who will?"

Steve laughed softly - the first time today - and Natasha counted it as a win.

Her smile faltered slightly when - after some silence - he sighed.

Her traitorous mind teased her: _Missing what he doesn't have_.

It was a heavy sigh, one that truly didn't encompass how miserable he felt but it was close. It hurt seeing him so desolate, but there was nothing to do for now. She wouldn't push him to be happy; he needed time to mourn and get over his loss. Then, and only then, after he'd actually cried, would he be able to move on.

She really didn't know what came over her when she pulled him into a hug. It was long and comfortable. Her mind kept on running - as if by military chant - he does this to make you feel better, you do it too. But it wasn't only that. When his arms came around her tightly and he sighed in her hair, she knew it was more than a hug. Steve and Natasha were mourning more than Peggy's death. Softly, Steve ran his hand over her hair and kissed her forehead softly. A bittersweet thank you that felt like a reluctant goodbye. Natasha rejected that notion and looked up at him once they let go.

"Stark told us we're welcome to stay in the tower tonight. He doesn't want us taking you and Sharon up for the long drive," she said.

"Remind me to thank him."

That was the last thing he said to her that evening. All the while, as the group lingered and talked quietly among themselves, as Sharon greeted and mourned with the rest of the family members and friends, Steve had remained like a quiet, dark shadow near the unopened photo album and Peggy's coffin. After a couple more hours, the coffin was taken to be buried.

When it was time, Steve carried it, his hand grasping the golden bar tight enough to dent it. He was the last one to let go. Natasha had intended to help him through it, to reach over his hand and help him let go, but Sharon was suddenly there doing it for her.

Natasha remained unchanged - her face showing no emotion. Her intention never voiced.

She noticed Sharon holding onto Steve's hand a second too long before he let her go and stuffed his hands in his pocket before gifting her a teary smile. Sharon didn't comment or give off any resentment for having been let go.

Natasha didn't make anything of it. Tried.

If she focused on that, it would open a Pandora's box she would never be ready for.

Without further delay, the coffin was lowered, the shots were heard, and the flowers were thrown. Steve hadn't spoken a single word. He had been hugged by various friends, approached and saluted by several veterans, and patted by Peggy's remaining family members.

His tight-lipped smile was ever present.

Sam looked over to her and Tony, clearly worried.

"If he wants, I'll stay behind with him," he said, as they all settled into their cars. They were going to be transported back to the tower where they would stay the night.

"He's not coming back with us?" Vision asked, looking towards his captain.

"He hasn't said anything to me, and I'm not sure he wants to stay for a little while longer. Let the crowd disperse and say his final goodbye. But then again, I don't know. He's so..."

"Empty," Natasha said, and everybody else agreed.

"You may not need to stay," Pepper said, looking over to where Peggy's grave now stood. The team turned and saw Steve kneeling before the tombstone, his eyes covered by his hand. There were no glistening of tears, no shuddering shoulders as he wept. He was still - motionless. Behind him, however, stood Sharon. Her arms were delicately crossed in front of her, holding the blue photo album Natasha had seen earlier.

She was waiting for him.

After a moment, Steve stood. He turned to Sharon and with a nod began walking with her to the cars waiting for them. The rest of the team was quiet. Natasha looked at her shoes while her mind furiously tried to make sense of the day. Her nightmare had been the tip of the iceberg today and while she was telling herself the unease she felt was because of the funeral, a piece of her forgotten heart told her it was something else. A lonely part of her suffering gnawed at the dream; seeking comfort where there was nothing but a memory that never occurred.

"Ready to go, Cap?" Tony asked, opening the door for Pepper to slide in. Steve nodded, no smile this time. Wanda and Sharon got in the car afterwards.

"We'll take the other car. Meet you back at the tower, Stark," Natasha said, walking off slowly despite the drizzle that was thickening around them. The rest of the team filed into the waiting car, until the last one, Steve, buckled in. It wasn't an awkward silence, per se. The drive to the Avenger's tower as filled with staring out the window and the tapping of knees until Rhodey spoke.

"How did you meet her?"

His question was directed to Steve, although they weren't really looking at each other. However, it made the captain turn towards his teammate, his eyebrows twisting into a mix of surprise and tiredness.

"After I was enlisted by Dr. Erkstine, I was sent to camp. She was there on my first day, punching out a guy that asked her if she could handle herself. Peggy was one of the people in charge of my troop's training. She also escorted me to the lab where I was given the serum."

Natasha looked at Steve all throughout his answer. His voice was unlike him - rough and low as if torn raw by sandpaper. _Still_ , speaking about her made his eyes slightly brighter.

"Was it worth it, Captain?" Vision asked. Steve sighed, and Natasha knew that question was always asked of him. He always answered truthfully, but once - late at night - he had confided in her that maybe it wasn't all true.

"Yes. It was. And I would do it again to make sure Red Skull was stopped."

Natasha bit her lip. He wasn't lying. When they had spoken about it, long ago, he told her he would have done the same thing - enlisted multiple times under different names, agreed to the serum, even agreed to the war bonds tour. That had all been worth it because it led him to save Bucky, form his team and defeat Red Skull.

However, there was more to his answer.

" _If I would have known I was going to survive the plane crash and miss out on 70 years of my life...lose the people I loved...I would have thought about it. I'm not going to lie to you, Nat. I probably still would have done it. Still with the same will to stop that plane from reaching the country. I still would have spoken to Peggy on my last minutes. Perhaps I would have told her that I loved her. I would have done it again...but not with the same certainty. I don't think I'll ever have the same certainty again."_

"I'm glad you think it was worth it, Captain Rogers," Vision said, snapping Natasha out of her memory, "This world would be a darker place without you to guide the Avengers. And although I didn't meet her, Agent Carter seemed to be a remarkable person. She taught you a lot."

"I'll owe her for that always…"

"She wanted you to be happy, Steve," Sam said, looking at his best friend, "Just like she learned to be."

"And I will Sam," Steve said, almost a whisper, "Tomorrow I will...just...not today."

* * *

The Avengers' tower was quiet - but then again, it was also pretty late. Upon arriving, Tony and Rhodey headed to the lab where they continued their morning conversation. After the rest had a light dinner courtesy of Pepper, they broke off to their own groups in the living room. Pepper and Sharon spoke quietly in the sofas while Vision, Sam and Wanda took to having a light drink at the bar.

Steve and Natasha ended up linking with Hill and Fury to discuss the events that would take place the following days. Their conversations were completely business, except for the light condolence both agents extended to Steve at the beginning of the conversation.

Once that was over and the two leaders had their instructions, Steve excused himself claiming he was drained. After disappearing down the darkened hall to one of the guest rooms, Natasha joined Pepper and Sharon until it was late enough to call it a day herself.

It wasn't like she was invested in the conversation anyways.

Natasha felt robotic and empty. She just needed vodka and sleep.

And that's exactly what she did. A bottle of Tony's finest and a pillow in her arms.

Natasha woke up four hours later, sweating and shivering in fear. She had been captured once again, wiped and sent to kill Steve Rogers. And she had succeeded. Natasha woke up with a strangled cry for help as she looked at her hands - only a second ago they had been dripping in Steve's blood. She sat up and curled herself in the corner of her bed, banging her head on the wall until she felt numb. Trying her hardest to erase the images in her head, she gave up and knew what bothered her that in her dream she'd stopped fighting them. She almost let herself get caught. She'd given up on herself.

She really needed to see Steve - needed to feel him alive. He'd remind her. He'd tell her never to give up on herself. Perking her head up, she strained to hear any sound around her. He hadn't spoken much and would probably have nightmares. If her unease was bringing them up for her, Natasha was certain Steve was experiencing worse.

Slipping silently out of the bedroom, she padded down the hall and to the main floor to grab a couple of water bottles, planning on going back to Steve's room. She wanted to talk. He probably wanted to talk. And she was going to be there for him, just like he'd be there for her.

Her plans to look for him were stopped short when - unsurprisingly she met him downstairs.

"Steve," she whispered, still shivering. He was alive.

He looked to her - facing the large windows that exposed them to New York. The light reflection of his face against the glass looked solemn but better than before. This gave Natasha peace.

"I was waiting to see if you'd show up," he said, giving the view one last look before he walked over to her. Natasha situated herself behind the counter of the kitchen island, resting on her elbows as he approached.

"How incredibly routine of me," she teased but her voice was flat. He smirked and it was sad, broken and masking pain.

"You're losing touch," he countered. Natasha chuckled dryly.

"Don't say that so loudly," she said, raising a brow, "People might hear you and actually believe it."

He sat in front of her, fidgeting with his fingers. They sat in silence; he was staring at his hands while she was staring at him. Suddenly, he spoke.

"Hey...I know that look. Nightmares?"

"You know me," Natasha said, bitterly, "Can't live without them."

"Nat," he admonished, reaching for her hands. She offered them gladly, "You're better than those nightmares. You can't keep believing in them. Those people who hurt you, Nat, they won't get to you now. The team will protect you. Barton will protect you. I will protect you."

"You'll be used against me," she said, words cracking under her heavy, controlled sobs, "Attachments are a liability in my life. If any of you get hurt because of me…"

"You've gotten hurt because of me," he said, pointing to the bullet scar the Winter Soldier had left her, "And you're still here. You're past was exposed because of me and what I decided for SHIELD. You were captured and hurt by Ultron while under my command. You were shot out of a building on last week's mission because of me. And you're still here. How is that any different?"

"Steve, you know it's different."

"No. It's not different. We're both Avengers. We're both fighters. We're both fighting for good. If our past comes back to pull us, we fight back. Attachments aren't a liability, Nat, they're our advantage because you won't be fighting back alone. We're in this together."

"I wanted you to remind me," Natasha muttered and frowned a sad smile at him.

"Tell me about your nightmare."

"I just needed to see you alive, we don't need to do more talking," she whispered. Steve looked at her with wide eyes, giving her a sad smile and shook his head.

"I want to talk about it with you. I was... _gone_...in your dreams?"

"You were _dead_. I was sent by the Red Room to kill you. I let myself be captured, Steve…" she confessed, "I stopped fighting them and killed you."

By now, Natasha was on the verge of losing it. Her demeanor changed - she looked unbearably worn out and disgusted in herself. She kept shivering and looking at everything but Steve.

"Hey, I'm alive. I know you'd never hurt me and I'd trust you even if I wasn't sure about what was going on."

"I know _that_."

"And you're here with me. You're still here. The Red Room doesn't have strings on you anymore and you are keeping it that way. You have never stopped fighting and I have yet to see you grow tired of fighting to be good."

"What if one day I can't fight anymore?"

"If you ever lose the will to fight against them, I'll be there to remind you or get you back. You know I'm not going to keep telling you that you aren't a monster. You've heard it enough times. And I realized that people in your life said a lot of things but didn't prove them. I'm going to be there to do so, Nat. I'm going to prove to you that you are not a monster and you are worthy of being happy. You are _good_. You are so strong and _good_. I don't want you to forget that. If it takes me proving it to you everyday, then I'll do it."

"You better not let me down. Because if you fail, I will hunt your ass until you regret it," she said, voice trembling. Steve tightened the grip on her hands and sighed.

"Hey, I know you. I trust you. You'd never stop fighting," he said, playing with her fingers absentmindedly, "And I need you here with me."

"Okay," she whispered and sighed. It was her turn now.

"Aren't we a sight…" he muttered sadly, looking at their joined hands.

"I know if I ask you to talk about it you'll tell me you're alright. And I believe you...to some extent...but you have to talk about whatever is bugging you or want to get off your chest."

"All of today...I spent it thinking about her - every single moment I spent with her, even though it was for a short time in my life. I thought about how easy it was for me to fall in love with her. I didn't measure the consequences. Granted, I never thought they'd be this heavy. It was just so easy."

"And what's the problem then…"

"That I never told her I fell in love with her. Maybe she knew back then...maybe she knew once I visited her again. But _I'll_ never know for sure. _I_ never told _her_."

"Steve, you were at war. It's understandable. Then you came back - and you haven't stopped fighting. Cut yourself some slack. She knew, okay? Look at me...she knew."

"I can never be sure." Steve said, but instead of answering back, Natasha walked over to the living room and grabbed the photo album. Walking back, she opened it to the first picture they had talked about earlier that day. Standing next to him, she wanted to wrap him in a hug and comfort him but he looked so fragile - she didn't want to confuse him. Placing the album before him, she pointed to them.

"This is why she knew. You're looking at her like she's the reason you breathe, the reason why you want to live. Peggy was a smart woman, Rogers, she knew."

"And yet she never heard it coming from me."

"You didn't either."

"And I'll always be waiting for those words; words I'll never be able to hear because she's gone. It's what hurts the most, Nat. That I never took the time to tell her I loved her and now I never will. I missed my chance and it keeps happening again and again."

"Don't do this to yourself, Steve. Believe me, it's not worth being stuck in the past. Some people can't escape it, but then there are people like you. You can live happy. You can find that reason again."

Steve looked up at her, meeting eye to eye. For a moment, Natasha thought maybe she had crossed the line or given him motive to tell _her_. Their faces were close, looking at each other. Natasha could feel the warmth of his body radiate to her, could hear the softness of his breathing. Her face was open; eyes glassy from her nightmare and emotions exposed. Having Steve near her made her vulnerability flare and seek comfort in his arms. She restrained herself.

Steve looked at her with slight desperation - or was she imagining that - he looked at her and his eyes were dark, almost hooded with clouds of wars; wars he had fought physically and wars he was fighting emotionally. His movements were constrained, she could tell, and he looked about ready to break down.

Suddenly he took her in his arms and hugged her, tightly and securely. Natasha was relieved and conflicted. On one hand, she wanted this hug as much as she needed it and not only to comfort Steve. It was the hug she was waiting for since this morning. She had been so heavy with anger and grief and sadness that she'd lost herself today in a whirlwind of nothingness. Steve was there for her; giving her the comfort she sought all day. A couple of tears slipped from her eyes, large and splashing on his shirt.

Closing her eyes to keep more from falling, Natasha returned the hug and felt the shuddering of Steve's chest as he held back sobs. His breathing was ragged. On the other hand, such close contact to each other at such a vulnerable state was never good. Natasha held back - held everything back - her emotions, her thoughts, her breathing, her movements. She couldn't cry more than what she already had.

He shifted and she responded until their foreheads were touching. Natasha's eyes were closed tightly, her hands not wanting to touch Steve's broad shoulders but unwilling to move. Slowly, she opened them and saw him; Steve's eyes remained closed as if he was concentrating intensely in order to control his breathing. When he opened them, Natasha noticed the brief flicker of light in his blue eyes. Her heart jumped and stopped altogether. It was gone all too _quickly_.

He opened his mouth but no sound came out. Natasha knew what was coming and had never been more afraid of hearing the words: I love you. _I loved you?_ Her heart broke and she wasn't sure which of the two reasons made her feel horrible.

There was conflict in his eyes; longing and fear, curiosity and overwhelming sadness. Natasha braced herself, but she knew her face was a mixture of nervousness and expectation. When his mouth opened again and Natasha stiffened, she actually heard him as torn as he looked.

"Thanks, Nat," he said and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. His eyes were closed but she didn't need it to see his emotion - she had heard it and it was enough to break the remainder of her heart.

Without another word, Steve untangled his arms from the hug they were still wrapped in sluggishly - his grip was tight and Natasha could tell he was letting go of more than her arms. He took one last glimpse at the album closing it, said goodnight and walked off - away from her.

All the while, Natasha stared at him, wide-eyed and close to breaking as well. She contemplated following him, but it made no sense. She didn't need that - and he didn't want that. It was the Black Widow thoughts that told her giving away her body would fix things. She knew better than to hurt him that way. Hurt herself that way.

After letting a few tears grace her cheeks, Natasha walked off to her own room and tried to fall asleep, tried but she felt empty and it was worse than she imagined. Natasha was angry at the people who made her this way - untrusting and scared. She was angry at herself for letting emotions get to her head and heart. Selfishly, she thought of going to Steve. Of feeling him with her.

The day had been shit and she didn't like it.

She pushed the covers off - her eyes glazed and unfocused. Whatever she did, Natasha felt tense and conflicted and wholly demeaned by her own mind.

It had to stop. Any which way as long as it stopped.

Sam's words whirled in her head - confusing her and clearing her thoughts altogether. Natasha felt ripped apart, two sides of her fighting for dominance between what she couldn't have and what she knew would sooth her soul - at least for the night. She'd figure the rest out later.

But Steve deserved better.

He didn't deserve half a soul. Half a heart.

And he'd be lucky to get that much.

Still, she found herself flinging the door of her room open and walking straight to where she knew emptiness wouldn't follow. Conscience be damned. Black Widow knew self-preservation. Steve would take the hurt away. And she'd been hurting for so long.

Natasha would give anything to stop feeling like this, even if it was only for a night.

Because that's all they would have.

It was all she could have.

Not bothering to knock, she began disabling the lock-code to enter. A few minutes later, she was opening the door. Steve was sitting at the edge of the bed, shirt discarded on the floor as if he once had the will to sleep but lost it when he remembered the nightmares.

"What's wrong, Nat...are you alright?" he asked, instantly standing up, his face twisted into worry. Natasha almost hesitated, but he didn't deserve to be lonely tonight and she was sick of feeling empty.

"Tell _me_ …" she said, tears brimming her eyes once again, "Tell me Steve...I can take the pain away tonight, just tell me."

"Natasha, what are you talking about?"

"Tell me please," she said, her arms grasping at his shoulders as she brought her body close and angled her lips to his. She spoke through gritted teeth, "I knew all along. And you were aware of it. Tell me."

Steve's face cleared with understanding as he took a step back away from her. Natasha followed, falling into her usual prowling habit, until she was holding him close once more.

"Nat, don't do this…" he warned but she didn't listen. His entire body tensed.

"I don't want it to hurt like this. I don't want to feel empty. And I don't want _you_ to hurt...I can take it away…" Natasha said, burying her face in his neck and holding him tightly. She began placing soft kisses on him, her lips moist with tears left behind a trail, gleaming under the light of the lamp. Steve stiffened and pulled her away easily.

"Nat," he said, lifting her chin to look at her, "Forget the nightmares; don't let them affect you."

Of course he knew why she was acting like this. Still, she ignored him.

"I don't want to feel empty, Steve. Take the hurt away and I'll take yours away too," Natasha whispered, broken. She knew Steve was right and knew he'd be mad at her - hell, Sam, Wanda and probably Maria would be furious when they found out she'd hurt Steve….if they found out…. _if_.

"I don't know what you want me to do."

"Just tell me," she repeated, stepping closer to him once again. Natasha was manipulating him and they both knew it - still no one made a move to stop, "Don't stay quiet with me, Steve. We tell each other everything…"

"Nat, you need to sleep. Just get some rest, okay."

"No, Steve, I don't want to sleep. When I sleep I feel empty and dripping in red. I feel abandoned. Make me feel different...please," she said, before pulling him down to make contact with his lips. The force of her pull made them collide against each other, causing Steve to take hold of her waist for balance. Natasha could tell he was fighting against her kiss. She fought back, keeping her hands on his neck, pulling him towards her. She tried to keep their lips joined and it was only when he tried to step back and gasped when they bumped into the dresser, did he give her access. He stopped fighting then. Instead his lips reacted to hers for a second - soft and tender. Natasha clung tighter but he pulled her away.

"Stop this, Natasha," Steve said, keeping his hands on her shoulders and at a safe distance. His eyes softened when he met her gaze, teary and lost, "Why?"

"I've already told you this, Steve. You won't feel alone tonight."

"And then you'll run away from me by morning and I'll be alone for the rest of the year, probably, until you decide to come back," he said, leaving her speechless, "You're right, Nat, I was aware you knew all along. And in time I understood where you were coming from."

"Steve,"

"No, let me finish. You wanted me to tell you. This is me doing so...I understood. Okay. I could have been more sensitive about the situation. You were going through so much. I probably would have risked our friendship, which is the most important thing in my life, Nat. And you found a way to leave it intact. I get it. But that wasn't the only reason...I also knew that if something would've happened between us - something you weren't ready for - you would have left."

" _I can't help it…_ " Natasha said, almost an inaudible whisper.

"I know...and I'd rather live my entire life with you as my best friend; I'd rather have you in my life than spend a night chasing away the hurt then watch you leave in the morning."

"I can't live without you, Steve," Natasha whispered, too ashamed to look him in the eye.

"It doesn't matter; you'd still leave."

She looked at him then, eyes wide and red-rimmed. They both looked wholeheartedly broken - their breathing ragged and their arms hanging loosely on their sides without purpose. A few more blinks and soon Natasha's eyes were pouring down tears covering the apples of her cheeks. Steve was there immediately, hugging her as she broke down.

He soothed the shutters that rippled through her back as she clung to him tightly - almost viciously - but he didn't complain. Her nails dug into the soft, firmness of his back, but he never flinched. He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead again and again.

"I'm so sorry, Steve," Natasha said, through broken sobs, "I'm sorry."

Steve thought his heart couldn't possibly break anymore than it had all day; but he was wrong. His strong and resilient Natasha was breaking down and blaming herself. Hugging her tighter, he sighed.

"Nat, please, don't cry," he said, his voice like a lullaby to her, "Please don't torture yourself like this."

"I'm sorry," she repeated, but her shivering had ceased slightly. Steve took a deep breath and placed his hands on each side of Natasha's face, his thumbs wiped away the stray tears that curved against her cheekbone.

"Don't be sorry, Nat. You did nothing wrong."

"If that's true, then, neither did you. And we're both hurting," she said, looking into his eyes, deep and blue and gentle. Nothing compared to her.

"We've been hurting for a long time," Steve reminded, as if he read her mind, "You've made amends, Nat. You're a good person. A hero. You're strong and intelligent and beautiful. You're not empty and you're not dripping in red. You're not a monster. Please, don't believe you are."

"And yet, we're still hurting because of _me_."

"That's not true. You know it. Nat, you've brought me so much happiness because you've been there for me. Does that not count?"

"But…"

"No, don't find another excuse," Steve said, sighing deeply. He hugged her once more filling her with the sense of goodbye, "You've been there for everyone that needed you."

"Steve, no. I do have fault in this. All of this fucking mess - I'm empty. Like some half human they forgot to finish," Nat said, stepping away from him, letting her anger and sadness fill the space around her, "Look at me, trained for nothing else but chaos. Trained to infiltrate and kill and damage. Trained to pretend. All of my life it's been like that. I...I...I don't know who I am…"

"Who do you want to be?"

Natasha sobbed then, as images of a dream life flooded her mind - a dream life with happiness and a family. She imagined it all - everything she wanted - a home to call her own, somewhere far away where the evils of her past would find her and her family - someone she could love back. She wouldn't have to look past her shoulder every minute. She wouldn't have to fear the words I love you. Natasha would be herself, vulnerable and new.

And all that was impossibly far away from her. Unattainable.

Her knees wobbled until she stumbled to the floor. Steve caught her before she hit the ground, easing her to sit in a crumpled, teary mess. She clutched him again. Her mind torn between verbally abusing herself and feeling relieved.

 _Crying in front of him makes you weak. This is what the mighty Black Widow has become. You are worthless. Natalia Romanova was made to be a weapon, not a crying mess._

She shook her head, pressing it against Steve. He didn't say anything; simply held her tight.

"I'll never have that…" she muttered, "I'll never deserve what I want."

"Natasha, stop."

"It's true, Steve...I destroy everything I have and what I don't I make sure never to have…" she said, "And I told myself it was for your own good and I hurt you and...I didn't even care…"

"Nat, it's okay. I got through it," he said, making Natasha gulp back her loss, "And we're still here for each other. I don't know how to make you feel any better right now...but I promise I'll help you remember all the good you have in you. I'll help you see it like everyone else does. That's why when it happened, I fell for you easily. Because you've fought against your aggressors all your life - that's something that's made your strength mean something more, it makes your goodness mean so much more. You know the value of it because you didn't have it once."

"Steve."

"You're so ready to accept the negative and I have to work so hard to get you to understand otherwise," he said, voice firm and tired.

"It's what I was told all my life."

As Natasha said it, their eyes locked. Both sets stormy and glossy with unshed tears. Their faces reflected each other - in the purest form of sadness and grief. Steve sighed, hand running through his hair.

"I did love you, Nat. I loved you so much."

 _Loved_. Lov _ed_. And he continued.

"And you'll always mean something to me because you _are_ worth it."

Natasha felt a hollow contentment tingle in her chest; however, she also felt a gushing disappointment. She had gotten what she wished for but it hurt far more that she ever imagined. And it was all her own doing. She was fighting within herself, ripping apart whatever she could get her hands on with sharp, poisoned nails. Natasha felt herself break. And one word stood in her mind against the darkness. Loved.

Gasping back sobs, she curled into Steve's chest and pressed her palm flat against his heartbeat as he continued to run his hand down the length of her hair. He rested his chin lightly on her head, and stood against her like the strength she couldn't find.

"I'm sorry I hurt you like that. I'm sorry I manipulated you instead of being upfront about it."

"Stop. Nat," he said, "Look, we'll be alright."

"But you loved me…" she whispered in disbelief, sounding miles away; her voice, throaty and raw. Natasha felt Steve's shoulders sag and his hand stiffen against her head. He recovered in a second before answering in the same hushed lullaby whisper.

"Yeah...I did."


	2. Time takes it's toll

Natasha shielded her eyes from the sun as it seeped through the window. Her eyes felt crusty and her hair was sticking to her face. Her throat was aching and her limbs were stiff.

But when Natasha looked down, she couldn't help but sigh ever-so softly. _Damn it, Rogers._

After last night's conversation - after Steve soothed her back to a sniffle here and there - she had fallen asleep on the couch opposite the bed. And Steve took the floor besides her when she reached for his hand. They were being illogical and impractical, but the night had been that way too. There was no reason to start being normal now.

And they'd slept; hands entangled in each other while a perfectly good bed lay unmade.

They hadn't talked anymore - words really wouldn't make them feel better anyways. Their situation was - _at best_ \- unique. And so the hours passed with Steve holding Natasha as she settled her emotions while he kept whispering gentle reassurances.

It was morning now, and the ever-present distrust bred from her training made Natasha want to run. After exposing herself so vividly and without regard, she felt vulnerable. Steve had confessed he'd loved her once. Although, that was what she'd wanted to hear it didn't make her feel any better. Somehow, she didn't feel forgotten or empty now; but she felt guilt and disappointment. Discomfort made spiders run.

A string of curses left her mouth in her native tongue as she contemplated her escape and fought against it all together.

She wasn't going to leave.

Steve had inadvertently given her an ultimatum: a life together as best friends in order to give up a few nights of passion and years apart. He was willing to sacrifice his feelings for her; she'd have to be willing to sacrifice her urge to run away for him.

And he was right.

He didn't deserve that and she wouldn't do that. It was hard enough to go through her day without him - and it would be a waste to have worked so hard on their friendship to ruin it over flighty fears of self-hate and cowardice.

Still, Natasha was terribly selfish, craving Steve's presence in her life as much as she didn't deserve it. It made it even worse that - of course she wasn't blind - Steve Rogers was attractive. Painfully so. And sleeping with him (in ways her mind had already played out) had been something she'd wanted to do for longer than last night's conversation.

She wanted those nights of passion. For much more than feeling what Steve once felt. It was instinctual to want him; after all, she was a woman.

But. She couldn't. He meant so much more than that. It may be instinctual to want him, but it was impossible not to treasure _him_ \- his words, his intelligence, his heart.

Natasha crushed her eyes closed and shook away those thoughts - ones that were getting far more dangerous each and every time. But had been out of control since yesterday.

Their hands were still clasping each other; even as he slept and even through her doubts and mental admonishments. They were going to be okay, she concluded. A part of themselves would be missing in each other, but they'd be okay.

Steve's breathing was even and he showed no signs of waking, which Natasha was glad for. They hardly got any sleep to begin with as Avengers; throw in a few nightmares and even Natasha wondered how they got through.

Rubbing her eyes with her free hand, Natasha relaxed. She wasn't going anywhere if Steve wasn't awake yet. If he opened his eyes and she wasn't there…

Natasha shuddered. It would hurt him and it hurt her to think he expected her to be gone already. He was in all his rights to assume that about her. However, she learned a long time ago not to underestimate Captain Steve Rogers. Innocence did not equate to naiveté.

" _I realized that people in your life said a lot of things but didn't prove them. I'm going to be there to do so, Nat."_

His words came to her mind once more as she drifted between sleep and consciousness. There was a mix of emotions in her heart - feelings of not deserving his friendship, much less his devotion. And yet, a part of her felt lighter for having him with her. He was the light she'd cling to when drowning. It was comforting to know she'd have that moral compass with her.

If he was strong enough to be her friend after exposing himself to her; she could do so too. Afterall, he promised to make her believe the Black Widow would start to mean strength rather than death.

If only she could believe that…

That single thought drifted in her mind as she closed her eyes and let sleep claim her once more.

* * *

"No problem...I'll let her know," a familiar voice said, as Natasha woke up from the haze of deep sleep. One of her arms was tucked behind her, numb by her weight while the other was stretched carelessly and bent at her elbow. She felt the owner of the deep voice toy with her fingers aimlessly as he continued to talk. Her hair, curly and wild was draped over her face yet she fought the urge to move and push it away. Closing her eyes again, she thought of how uncomfortable she was - slightly sticky from the hot night even though the room was cool and she wasn't covered anymore.

"She's still sleeping…" Steve said, voice rough and Natasha surmised the current phone call had woken him up, "I'll talk to her and give you a call...alright….okay, see you in a few hours."

The playing of her fingers ceased; Natasha figured Steve was getting up yet heard nothing but the muted sounds of shifting over a pillow - the scratchy movement of rubbing against a blanket; then suddenly a hand tousling her hair away from her face.

"Nat?" He asked softly and she pried open her eyes one at a time.

"Was that Hill or Coulson?"

"Maybe it was Fury," he said, reinstating his aimless tracing and poking of her hanging arm.

"Fury never calls you directly. He always gets Coulson to call because he's such a fanboy or Maria because she probably has a crush on you…"

"So which reason fit when Fury calls you?" Steve asked. Natasha cracked a smile and shifted until she freed her numb arm.

"Both."

They shared a quiet laugh for a moment - a moment when Natasha forgot about the unfortunate night they had been through.

"It was Maria on the phone," Steve said, flattening against his back to look up at the ceiling. Natasha mimicked him and stared at the cream colored expanse above her, "They want us out in Berlin by tonight. Wants to talk to you alone first; she tried calling you but you didn't answer."

"Phone's in my room…" Natasha answered mindlessly, "They only want me? Did they say what it was about?"

"Not really. Hill said need to know basis."

"And you went along with that?"

"Figured you'd tell me if it was something important or in need of sharing."

She studied his words, knowing them to be true. Maybe it wasn't the best thing to do but there had been a bond created between the two of them years ago that she couldn't deny. No matter how many _only-need-to-know_ missions there were. Sighing, she turned to Steve once more.

"Berlin? Didn't we make a big mess last time we were there…who would want us back?"

"New threat, maybe," Steve answered. He sat up, stretching to grab his discarded -tshirt, "Hill asked me to get the team ready."

"Specific people?"

"Yeah."

"Shit, okay...they're not sending us on a scouting mission. I'll talk to Hill, see what's up. In the meantime, I'll head over to shower...I feel like I was burning up during sleep."

"You kind of were," Steve said, turning to her, "You don't remember waking up?"

"I..." she said, in an embarrassed whisper, "Did I scream?"

"You were dreaming and it must have been bad. Suddenly you were yelling out and thrashing. I couldn't get you to snap out of it."

"I...I'm sorry about that," Natasha admitted, sighing.

"It was a rough night," he whispered and a silence settled between them for a few minutes before he spoke again, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It always the hospital fire nightmare on bad days," she whispered, barely loud enough for Steve to hear. She turned to him, still laying down and caught his eye.

"I meant about what we talked about."

"It is about that…" she said, moving cautiously until she sat up and slid down to the floor next to him, arms instantly wrapping around herself. Steve looked at her, eyes filled with slight worry and confusion but nonetheless curious. She looked at her bent knees and hesitated.

"You can tell me, Nat."

"I dreamt it the day before yesterday. It was a bad night...pretty bad one. The ones that turn my day upside down and I can't shake the unease no matter how much I try. And when I looked for you I saw Sharon was giving you the news about Peggy and I...I didn't want to talk about the dream. It would just add another burden. But that didn't help. My feelings kept spiraling out of control - for lack of a more degrading word," Natasha added, bitterly.

"You know you're not a burden, Nat. Not to me," he said, and shifted to sit next to her. His warmth radiated next to her and she fought the urge to curl against it.

"I was still out of control emotionally. I don't know...I felt off. And then the funeral service was tough, seeing you so emotionless and stoic. By the time we got to the tower I was pretty fed up with myself and the entire day. I downed a bottle of vodka and got reunited with my nightmares as soon as I closed my eyes."

"And then I died in your dreams…"

"I _killed_ you...and then when we talked I felt...I just felt…" Natasha said, not knowing which adjective out of her long list of derogatory remarks hit the spot the most.

"Lost...didn't you?" Steve said, and Natasha nodded, letting go of a sigh she didn't know was trapped in her throat as he continued, "I get that part."

"I really didn't want you to be alone and maybe my mind just defaulted to a way I know how to cope."

"Natasha, there's more to you. There always has. You have to remember that."

"It was just a horrible day...event after event just draining me."

"I probably shouldn't have said those things last night about not telling Peggy."

"No. I'm glad you did, Steve. I could tell they were bothering you. And I don't want you holding things off for my sake...we've always been honest."

He stayed silent for a while as if trying to convince himself of her words. In the end, he sighed, running his hand over his face and through his hair.

"Thank you for listening."

"If we were both going to be feeling like shit...might as well do it together…" Nat said, grimacing at her own words and cringing as she recalled her actions, "Of course, until I ruined it for both of us."

"You were just trying to protect yourself, Nat. It's okay. I understand but I don't agree with it. You should never feel like that - feel that you aren't worth _more_."

"It's going against years of training, Steve…" she whispered, "I can't help it."

"Is that why you were so... _persistent_ on …that," Steve asked and both understood what was left unsaid. Surprisingly, she didn't tense. Sure, she'd love to avoid talking about it, but it wasn't Steve's style and she knew it made her feel better in the end. Steve was always there as she gathered the courage to rip off the bandaid.

"I wanted to feel what you did - even if it was for one night. I felt empty and if someone like you could find it in themselves to…" Natasha said, halting at her words; she didn't want to repeat it but Steve's sad, reassuring smile made her continue, "...if you loved me once then maybe it would feel a little better. I know it was selfish but I wanted to feel _something_."

"Nat," Steve whispered, grabbing her hand softly and pulling her slowly in his arms for a much needed hug, "You've always been important to me and no matter what, I'll always lo-...I'll always care about you. How could I not? I'm just sorry I blurred the lines between us…"

"No, please don't apologize. I think I've done enough already," she said, removing herself from his embrace and standing up, "Besides, I'll be fine. I always am."

"I know you'll keep telling me that," he said, standing as well until they were meeting eye to eye, "I just wish you'd believe it too."

Natasha didn't answer - there was nothing she could say to refute his words. Instead, she offered him an apologetic look which he accepted with a dismissive smile.

"I have to go," she said.

"I know," he answered.

Of course he knew - he understood her. He didn't judge her. At least Natasha had that going for her. The silence that followed was heavy and comfortable. Natasha wasn't sure if she wanted to say something else - her tongue tingled with unspoken words; but feared those words would be forbidden. Still, a knot in her chest wanted to be released.

Questions she didn't even understand and comprehend bubbled within her and what was more disturbing was that Steve's company was the only time she felt both certain and confused about this feeling within her. Closing her eyes, she took a breath.

 _To hell with it, Natasha. Ask...talk...there must be something you can figure out..._

"Steve…" she started, suddenly lost in the overwhelming feelings inside her. Her throat closed up, resulting in a choked sob. Natasha shook her head, the sudden courage inside her fizzling into nothingness. The world closed around her and she needed to get out. Needed to get away from here - from him; Steve - he only raised questions, only brought ideas she didn't need into her mind, into her heart.

"Nat," Steve said, lifting her chin, "Hey, look at me. Relax."

"I need to go."

"I know that," he said, sadly, "But I can't let you leave if you're not okay. I don't expect you to be happy right now. Or tomorrow. I just want you to be happy one day - whenever that is. I just want you to realize you're free."

" _I'm sorry to interrupt, Captain Rogers, but Mr. Stark and Mr. Wilson are asking for your presence in the labs. It is of an urgent matter,"_ Friday said.

Steve cringed almost subconsciously. He raised his gaze to the ceiling - something he did every time he'd addressed Jarvis and now Friday. Natasha found it both endearing and completely disarming. It gave her time to get a grip and settle her uneven heart, bringing it down to a steady rhythm rather than the thundering gallop of a few seconds ago.

Steve's words always hit her hard - _free_ \- it sounded beautiful.

"I'll be there in a few," he answered as Natasha took that time to look at him fully - almost in a new light - admired, for a split second, the handsome features in his face, the brightness of his eyes, and just how young he was; trapped in warfare just like her.

Then he looked at her, Steve's answering smirk gave her pause, as she realized those thoughts didn't belong - she didn't have the right. Shaking her head at herself, Natasha turned and headed out the door before her thoughts - dangerous thoughts - got the best of her.

"Nat, wait."

"It's okay. You can go," Natasha said, letting out a long breath, "I'm going to be fine."

"You know I don't believe you."

"I'm not saying I'm happy," she said, "But, I'm well enough... _and_ I know you're here."

"Count on it," he said, slightly defeated, meeting her eyes one more time as she turned, before closing the door. She pressed back against the locked door behind her. Her hands trembled against the door, flattened and cold. Was she steadying her breath? Why?

 _Don't answer questions you aren't ready to face, Natasha._

 _It'll just bring more pain._

 _It's best to do what you know - what you can control._

What she could control now was a fresh shower and a new mission. She could control the wetness of her tears, the air in her lungs as it went in and out hurriedly, the tension in her stomach when she thought of Steve.

Silently, she walked towards her room - looking more like the poised and collected Black Widow and less like the vulnerable mess that was Natasha Romanoff.

 _She'd get better. It was just a matter of time._

An hour later, she was walking down the grey-glass hall towards her pre-debriefing. And boy did she have a feeling about this...

"Agent Romanoff," Hill greeted as Natasha stepped into the room - not Maria's usual office, but it would work. Stark Tower had 10 too many offices ready for SHIELD to use. Hill looked at Natasha, handing her a folder with Steve's name on it. Instantly she tensed.

"What's this about? And please, no roundabouts, Hill."

"I'm sure Captain Rogers has told you about his beginning with SHIELD, before it even _was_ SHIELD," Maria said, solemnly, "You're being sent to Berlin for a specific reason."

Natasha ground her teeth, expecting the worst as she opened the file. In it were forms, papers - some yellowed with time - not all of them about Steve. Some of them were detailed reports on Dr. Erkstine, others on Margaret Carter, Howard Stark, others on Johann Shmidt and Hydra.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Natasha said, closing the file when she got to the reports on Steve and the Super-Soldier Serum formulas.

"It's not what you think, Natasha," Maria started, meeting her eye to eye, "SHIELD does not want to recreate the serum."

"Really, because it kind of looks like that's exactly what you're sending us to do," Natasha spat out, " _And_ not including Steve in this debriefing. What's really going on?"

"We need you to be fully informed on what happened before - every detail. The only person to know more about this entire project, other than SHIELD, is Captain Rogers and…" Hill said, pausing and gnawing on her lip, "If this mission should not go as planned…"

"I _said_ no roundabouts, Hill."

There was silence in the office. To Natasha, it seemed like Hill was halting - calculating what she could say freely and what she could manipulate. Nat recognized it quickly; she'd done it millions of times. After what seemed like minutes of eternal silence, Maria spoke again.

"...Red Skull has resurged."

Natasha felt the blood leave her face.

"How is that possible?"

Hill paused, longer than Natasha wanted, which only made things much worse than before. Both women looked at each other; one of them clutching the forms she'd been handed, the other sizing up the conversation. In the end, Maria slumped back to her seat.

"We're still not sure."

"The truth, Maria."

"That _is_ the truth."

"Bullshit," Natasha said, her hands landing on the desk separating them, "Don't you forget, Hill, the Avengers are all over SHIELD. You make one wrong move and you have an entire team of superheroes against you."

"And you don't forget, _Agent_ Romanoff, that you are a _SHIELD_ agent," Hill answered, standing, "I understand your camaraderie with Captain America and Hawkeye puts you on the Avengers side, but remember who's leading this organization. Fury and Coulson will always have the safety of our world as a priority."

"And sometimes that priority overlooks things Steve doesn't necessarily agree with."

"Damn it, I'm telling you what I know," she snapped back, taking a deep breath. Hill looked to her desk and a part of Natasha wanted to believe her without question. Maria looked back at her, "Look, Natasha, I have a great deal of shit to work on after Ultron, and out of the blue come reports of Hydra activity in Berlin. Two months ago, we sent scout agents led by Agent 13 out to inspect-"

"Carter knows about this?"

"She's the one that brought us the information. Along with proof of Hydra resistance, all of it led by Red Skull."

"And why isn't Steve here? Why are you only telling me?"

"We're debriefing in twenty. Captain Rogers is getting the strike team ready," Hill said, and for once, Natasha saw the strain in her eyes, "Coulson and Fury want Steve to stop this before it gets even bigger. We don't care if it really is him, if it isn't, how he came to be, or what the hell is going on...we just want it stopped."

"And you want me on your side when you tell him, so he won't doubt you," Natasha said, figuring out Maria's plan. Sighing deeply, she looked back at the gray folder in her hands.

"We're not blind, Romanoff. There are eyes everywhere. Fury, Coulson... _me_...we know that if there is anything you don't agree with, Steve will do the same. He trusts you. Trusts your judgement...even against SHIELD."

"So you want me to play spy and convince him to destroy Red Skull before we begin to ask questions...before we figure out why he's even alive to begin with."

"We want you to make sure he isn't alone when he fights the person who started Hydra in the first place. Romanoff, we're talking about Captain America's greatest enemy - the man he defeated to end a war; the man who forced him to crash land a plane into the ice."

"Don't try to cloud my judgement with sentimentalities, Hill," she said, her voice calm and ice cold, "I know what Fury wants me to do. He wants me to destroy any evidence incriminating what's left of SHIELD. He wants me to collect evidence of how Red Skull came to be, and destroy the remnants so no one else will know. He wants me to fight along with Steve to destroy the threat as if I didn't have a side mission to begin with. Then he wants me to bring him that information and trust it'll be in good hands."

"You're a spy and an agent, Romanoff," Hill said, "What else are you expected to do?"

"My job," Natasha said, starting to walk away, "And that's making sure no one takes advantage of this world again - for better or worse."

"SHIELD isn't doing anything to endanger it, Romanoff."

"I'm pretty sure that's exactly what Tony thought when he and Bruce built Ultron," she said, turning her head to meet Hill's eyes as she grabbed the doorknob, "Look where that got us."

"Natasha," Hill called out, stopping Nat on her toes as she was about to leave, "I give you my word, we are not attempting to recreate the serum or to use any information on how Red Skull came back. We just want to eliminate threats and make sure no one abuses information - that's all."

Natasha didn't answer; instead, stepped out of the office, folder in hand. Hill didn't say anything else, and as the door shut behind her, she tried to make sense of things. Looking down to her folder, Nat groaned. If she was going to be put in this situation, she had to think clearly.

Did she really believe Maria? Was she just playing a part under Fury's command?

Coulson was certainly doing his role as director - that was certain - to everyone outside the Avengers. But she couldn't be fooled. Fury would always be the one with the upper hand.

 _What was he playing at?_

Walking over to the debriefing office, Natasha took in her surroundings. It would be another fifteen minutes before Steve arrived - always on time. She took her seat and opened the folder, taking advantage of her time alone to figure this out. To understand what they wanted from her and whose loyalty was she going to betray.

The thought stung her mind as it ran through - but it was true - Hill had said it clear enough without saying anything at all. Fury wanted information on Red Skull's resurgence, but he didn't want Steve knowing information was being gathered. He wanted Natasha to play a double hand.

"Just like old times, Fury," she whispered as Natasha opened the folder and pulled out Johann Shmidt's reports. She skimmed through his information - dates, missions, studies he did alongside Dr. Erkstine - all of them failed attempts to create a perfect human specimen. She flipped through the folder until a picture caught her eye. It was faded, edges torn - but it was well taken care of.

The picture was clipped to Steve's file - an entire report of his admission to the army, the health records before and after, his training and his missions. But the picture was enough for her to forget everything else. He looked thin - scarily so - the white t-shirt looking billowy and several sizes too big. He looked so small compared to the Captain she was used to working with - so frail and strong at the same time.

"Why were you even out of your house, Rogers," she said, reading through his health records previous to the serum, "Always a stubborn jerk, I suppose."

Natasha felt the familiar tug in her stomach as she tensed when looking at it. Thinking, inevitably, of his sheer will - strong enough to accomplish impossibilities. Shaking her head, Nat flipped to hand written reports - all in elegant cursive. One she recognized.

And it was obvious this file was compiled by none other than Margaret Carter herself, Natasha thought, as she looked through the piles of papers. Who else would take care of this with so much detail. And thorough as it was, Peggy Carter wanted Steve Rogers protected.

Natasha read through the reports filed by SHIELD; those detailing Carter not giving them the last of Steve's blood samples. Discarding it instead of using it. She read her detailed reports on Howard Stark's missions to find him. Reports upon reports of failed SHIELD attempts to recreate the Super-Soldier program. All written by Peggy Carter - all of them ending with her being thankful they'd failed. The only one she wished had succeeded was Stark during rescue missions.

Natasha bit the inside of her lip. She was selfishly glad Stark had failed. And that made her feel guilty, horrible, and overall content. The Avengers without Steve Rogers. _No_. Not at all.

"Romanoff."

Natasha snapped the folder close as the turned to look at the agent who'd come in. Sharon Carter in full suit, entered the room in almost a hesitant pace - automatically uncomfortable.

"Carter," Natasha answered, biting the tip of her tongue to prevent lashing out to the blonde for knowing about Red Skull for months and in respect for her mourning. That didn't stop her from being antagonistic towards her. At least Natasha knew where _her_ loyalties stood. They were silent then, sitting across each other, engrossed each in their folders.

Then and there, it was clear to Natasha; she could not do what Fury wanted. She wouldn't abuse Steve's trust in her by giving information to SHIELD without him knowing.

"Captain Rogers is _much better_ , I suppose?"

Natasha looked up from the papers she was reading, eyes narrow and lips parted. Carter looked at her expectantly through seemingly indifferent eyes - the glassy hue betrayed her though. Carter was interested in talking to her, yes - that much had been clear already - but she was also uncomfortable. Angry even. Natasha sighed internally and answered.

"As well as is expected."

"I see. You played your part right, then," she answered, her shoulders squared and her hands crossed neatly before her, "I suppose I'm right in thinking you comforted him well?"

Natasha heard the almost invisible sneer at the end of her voice, more than jealousy and far closer to an indignant accusation.

"If there's something you want to tell me, Carter," Nat said, calmly, "Don't beat around the bush."

"You know well what I'm talking about."

"Carter, are you sure you want to get into this? Good agent or not - don't mess with me."

"You think just because you're SHIELD's feared Black Widow and an Avenger," Sharon said, her eyes angry and her voice trembling, "You're nothing but something everybody fears."

"You may be a good agent, but you still have to work on your tactic. Insulting me won't get you anywhere. You think I give a shit about what you say," Nat said, standing from her chair and leaning forward to rest on her extended palms, "Listen to me, I get it. You're grieving and probably wanted to use this opportunity to get closer to Steve, but that still doesn't give you the right to be petty to me. Keep your fucking emotions in check."

"I _am not_ using my aunt's death as an opportunity...unlike you."

"Excuse me?"

"You'd think Captain Rogers would have the decency to mourn my aunt's memory with respect; instead he lets _you_ get into his bed."

"Watch what you're fucking implying, Carter?"

"I saw you enter his room last night. I'm not implying anything."

"You better watch what you're getting into, Carter, because it's way over your head."

"So you're going to deny it?" Sharon said, her blonde hair contrasting against the cream of her skin, "I thought he loved my aunt; I thought Captain Rogers was better than that."

Natasha felt herself grow hot - angry - like the flames of her nightmare before. But instead of acting out, like she desperately wished she could, Nat smiled, coldly and calculating. She gave Sharon a once over; looking far more collected than what she'd actually felt in the past two days.

"Oh, I see," she said, a chuckle escaping her lips and letting an expression of surprise grace her face, "Let me guess, if he would have sought comfort in your arms last night...then it would have been the beginning of a long awaited romance."

Sharon's cheeks were suddenly covered with a bright rosy hue as she faltered and stumbled upon her answer. Natasha ignored her and continued.

"But if you wouldn't have been so quick to soil Steve's name, you'd have known he needed to talk. He just _lost_ Peggy, Carter. _Again_. He loved her more than you'll ever know. And another thing you don't know, because you have no clue about him, is that Steve blames himself for never being there for Peggy. Blaming himself, as he's done ever since he woke up 70 years late. You don't know a thing about him and you don't deserve to if you'll be jumping to conclusions like you did. You'd know he was better than that…"

"I _know_ he's better than that - than you. I grew up knowing his achievements, his integrity, his bravery..."

"You grew up idolizing a figure," Natasha said, a condescending chuckle escaping her lips, "You grew up romanticizing Captain America….he's Steve Rogers, Carter. And him, you don't know. You can criticize me all you want, but Steve, no, you watch what you say about him or you'll deal with me."

"What did you expect me to think when I saw you go into his room?"

"Nothing," Nat snapped back, "It's not your place. You better remember that next time."

Carter looked at her, wide eyed and solemn - Nat was sure the agent was kicking herself for speaking. Natasha was furiously proud of herself for shutting her up; however, the fury that still bubbled in her towards Sharon for insinuating Steve's feelings for Peggy weren't respected...that made her want to use her stingers...multiple times.

"I didn't know he was blaming himself…that was out of his control," Sharon whispered, defeated.

"No shit, Carter," Natasha said, her teeth bared, "And don't you ever disrespect Steve again. His personal life is none of your concern."

"I just...I was surprised to see that. I just expected…"

"Next time you open your mouth, make sure you know what you're talking about," Natasha said, her teeth grinding, "And start behaving like the agent you are, Carter. This isn't some fantasy high school romance. You want to be here - with top agents - start acting like one."

There was silence in the room. Eerie and uncomfortable; the tension getting to Natasha as much as it was getting to Sharon, that much was visible.

"Do you love him?" Carter asked, out of the blue. Her voice was broken and soft. Natasha felt her ribs crush together, as if someone blew a hole right through her. But she had to keep it together; she'd been through this before. Instead she crossed her arms before her and held her chin high.

"Love is for children, Carter. He's saved my life countless of times. He trusts me. Because of that I owe him. Owe him more than you'll ever comprehend."

Carter looked equally relieved and crushed - the confusion and desperation for having snapped at Natasha evident in her face. Sharon may have been an excellent spy for Fury before, but now her emotions were everywhere. Her discomfort, anger, sorrow, and fear were all clear as day.

"Does he love you?" she said, eyes closed and hands clasping each other. Carter lifted her gaze to meet Natasha's, although evidently it was difficult for her, "It's not a secret to you, Romanoff. You know why I'm asking."

"No," Natasha said, swallowing hard, "No, he does not."

The comment successfully ended their conversation as Sam and Steve walked into the room, followed closely by Coulson, Fury, and Hill. Natasha took her seat once more, not bothering to take another look at the stunned, blonde agent. The group walked in silently, with only the whispered conversation between Sam and Steve breaking the tension.

Natasha noticed Steve look at her questioningly the moment he walked in, eyebrows furrowed together and lips forming into a barely-there frown. Yes, of course he noticed.

They took their seats, Steve - without question - next to Natasha. She noticed Sharon look to her hands, avoiding eye contact until Maria sat next to her. A curt smile later, she went back to analyzing the smoothness of the wooden table they surrounded.

"I apologize, first and foremost, for pushing this mission onto you so soon after Ex-Director Carter's passing," Coulson started, glancing over to Steve to send him a sympathetic nod, "But this could not wait any longer."

He then brought up footage of their mission details - in _Starkian_ style - the holographic images filled the center of the table.

"The base you are looking at is located in Berlin, working under the most important transportation and railway company in Germany. The warehouse park you see here holds a total of 12 buildings used to store the company's machinery, material, etc. Reports of missing locals last seen being taken into the warehouse were picked up by our radar," Fury stated, moving and swaying his hand to zoom in and out of the images.

"Two months ago, SHIELD sent a scout team led by Agent 13 to inspect the disappearances," Coulson continued, "We expected Hydra activity, what we found was much worse."

Natasha tensed as the images Hill mentioned previously were brought up. Before them, six military jeeps, windows tinted and armed, surrounded the entrance of an open warehouse. By the looks of it, three men, hands tied and heads covered by a white cloth, were being escorted into the expanse by Hydra agents, all sporting their corrupt insignia.

The pictures that followed showed men hauling down crates upon crates, various sizes, all of them being pushed into the warehouse.

"Building something?" Sam asked.

"We need you to find out what that is," Fury answered, "Because there's more to it."

"And you'll need to be prepared - as much as you can be. This mission has taken full priority for SHIELD," Coulson said as he flipped through the images.

He stopped for a second, looking at Steve before continuing.

Finally, there it was. Natasha's sharp intake of breath was sudden and shot down her throat like a gulp of cheap vodka.

Red Skull, in full leather trench coat cinched at the waist, the Hydra logo decorating the sleeve of his arm, and surrounded by agents - arms outstretched, hands fisted. The picture was clear as day, the bright red of his skull contrasting tremendously against the gray and green of the surroundings.

Besides her, Steve was immobile.

"Our team cross-referenced the images taken now with those taken...in the past," Maria interjected, "It's a match. However, with a case a sensitive as this, we'd like a second opinion. Captain, you're the only one who can give it to us."

"We can be dealing with an impostor just as much as us dealing with the real Skull. You'll be sent to Berlin to verify and execute as you see fit. Hostage situation is to be cleared and all evidence destroyed."

"Red Skull," Steve said, voice low, firm, and dangerous, " _Red_. _Skull_."

There was silence in the whole room. Maria and Natasha locked eyes; both tense. A weak, disbelieving chuckle escaped Steve - sounding desperate, frustrated, and intimidating.

"Did SHIELD know about this before?" he continued, looking at both Coulson and Fury, "Did SHIELD have a hand in this?"

"Captain Rogers," Coulson started, but was silenced by Steve standing from his seat.

"Did SHIELD tamper with the tesseract for more than just weapons?" he asked, looking straight at Fury, "Because what destroyed Red Skull almost 80 years ago was the tesseract - disintegrated him right before my eyes. Now you come to me, to the team, and ask to stop someone who was supposed to be dead - someone who shouldn't exist. So, excuse me for being skeptical, but I'm going to need an honest answer, Fury."

"Captain, I feel you're under the impression SHIELD is _still_ keeping secrets from you."

"Isn't it?"

"You and Stark are involved in everything that goes on. You have full clearance."

"Right, which is why we didn't find out about Agent Coulson up until five months ago," Steve said, turning to the newest director, "Does SHIELD have anything to do with this?"

"Captain," Coulson said, turning the images before them off, "This is Hydra's doing. When Agent 13 brought over this information, I was just as shocked as you. But now that we know, we want you to take him out. We don't care how, when, or why he's back. We just want this threat eliminated. Hydra needs to stay without a leader if we're to defeat this organization."

Natasha was silent all throughout the conversation; listening and watching with scrutiny. She recognized the words Agent Hill had told her not even an hour ago - so similar, so _rehearsed_.

"SHIELD not wanting information on why he's back," Steve asked, voice incredulous, "You expect me to believe that?"

"We're a much different intelligence agency now, Captain. Thanks to you and Stark Industries," Fury said, "So, yes. I do expect you to believe that because as much as you hate to admit it, you know we have the world's best interests in mind. That being said, your mission is to end this impostor so I can go back to being dead."

"Why now?"

"Would you like to wait any longer?"

"Why wait two months to tell us?" Steve asked, glancing over to Sharon, "You clearly had the information from Agent 13."

"We had to verify it was indeed Red Skull," Maria interjected, "We had to make sure what threat level we were dealing with."

"Last time I heard," he said, looking down to the table where his file lay almost untouched, "Hydra was still our priority. There was reason enough to send us in - Red Skull or not. You know I don't believe you. And I'm going to find out if SHIELD is doing something they shouldn't."

"And if you do, Captain, we'd thank you for finding out," Coulson said, "Your file has the details. Jet is ready whenever you wish to leave. We'll leave you to coordinate with your team. Good luck."

Without another word, they filed out. Fury walked out of the room, locking eyes with Steve before nodding a goodbye and leaving. Hill mimicked the move, looking past him to set her eyes on Natasha. The unspoken reminder of their previous conversation hung in the air until they left - leaving behind Sharon, Sam, Steve and Natasha.

Steve sat back down, lips pursed and eyes fixated on the file before him. It didn't take long for him to rest his chin on his bent fingers, two of them extended to frame his face. Natasha knew this was his tell-tale sign of getting pretty fed-up with bullshit.

"What do you think they're hiding?" Sam asked, looking over to his team, "We gotta know what we're getting into."

"The scouting team was sent to gather proof of Hydra resistance. As soon as we had it, I delivered it to Director Coulson and Fury. There is nothing else at play here," Sharon said, looking from Sam to Steve, "As an agent, I give you my word my team wasn't sent for anything other than what I said."

"We'll see," Steve answered, looking over to Natasha. They didn't say anything - it wasn't needed. A single look from him and she understood what he was asking: _can we trust them?_

"They want Red Skull eliminated, that's for sure," Nat began, "But they're hiding something. I'm not sure what - whether it's about Hydra, Red Skull or the Tesseract. But there's something."

"So we'll have to be on our toes," Sam said, sighing, " _Perfect_. So, how're we gonna do this? Four of us, and a team of strike agents against a small army of Hydra soldiers? We gotta have a plan that doesn't involve you jumping into the water, Rogers."

"I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, let's look at the perimeter. See how many guards you have to take out from above. Natasha and Sharon can infiltrate from here," Steve said, pointing to the west entrance of the main warehouse, "The strike team and I can come in from here."

As he continued, Natasha listened intently; content with Steve easing into the strategies and swimming magnificently in his element. Her eyes drifted from the files and images and holograms to Carter, who'd not said another words since speaking to Steve. She still looked shaken up and even though Natasha felt sorry for having snapped at her as she mourned the loss of her aunt, she didn't feel like it was undeserved.

Of course she knew Sharon Carter had her eyes set on Steve Rogers - hell, half of the statistics department, three field agents, one in logistics, and a fighter jet pilot had their eyes on him. But Sharon - yeah, she actually had a chance to be noticed. After all, it wasn't everyday a beautiful blonde - skilled, intelligent, and with a resemblance to your former love - came knocking on your door...or rather, lived next door.

They even shared a brief history as neighbors - Steve had asked her out for coffee, she remembered him telling her about it, when she was still a _nurse_.

Natasha also remembered how natural they looked at Peggy's funeral as if they belonged together in an alternate reality. And even though a part of her did not like Sharon, something told her it was unjust to hate her. She wasn't a competition in the field...or otherwise.

 _Live and let live, Natasha. You chose that yourself._

Much to her chagrin, Sharon Carter was the type of woman that, although Natasha didn't think she deserved Steve, if she righted her wrongs and actually got to know him; then she'd be worthy of someone as pure and good and Steve. Natasha dug her nails into her hand.

"What will you do if you find him on your own?" Sharon asked, "Will you take on Red Skull alone?"

"If I have to I will," Steve answered, turning the images around, "But our priority is releasing hostages. No civilian should be within the perimeter when we destroy whatever is in there."

"And we're destroying him - Red Skull? Like SHIELD wants?" Sam asked

"Yes. That's something Fury and I agree on. We let Red Skull live and who knows what dangers he'll bring. We have enough on our plate. But...that doesn't mean we're not going to figure out what's going on."

"Do you think they messed with the tesseract?" Natasha asked, looking from the files up to Steve, "It isn't as far-fetched an idea, when you think about it."

"I wouldn't put it past them. Which is why we have to be in the lookout for anything that might give Hydra the upper hand. Sam, suit up. You and Agent 13 will give the team their orders before getting on the jet."

"See you there," he answered, standing and waiting for Sharon to do the same. The blonde blinked twice before moving from her seat - taking one last look at Steve and Natasha before pressing her lips further together and following Sam out the door.

Once the door was shut, Natasha turned, closing her folder again. She turned to Steve.

"You think Carter will do alright?"

"If she's anything like Peggy, she'll do great."

"And if she's not?"

"She's got a good record of successful missions. I think Sharon will be okay."

"Her missions have been to gather information, surveillance, defense...she's hardly ever gone for offense missions."

"There must be a reason why Coulson and Hill are making her come along for the ride; there must be some potential they see."

"Her first time as a strike team leader should not be to capture Red Skull."

"That's why that is my job," he said, running a hand through his hair, "She'll work well to help civilians out."

"I still don't think she's a good idea."

"Nat, when I came in - tension was thick. You want to let me know what happened," Steve asked, looking at her, "Did she say something to you?"

Natasha rolled her eyes, her lashes low and her mouth twisting into an uncomfortable twist - she really didn't want to remember the end of that conversation. Instead, she opted for a safer route.

"By now, I'm used to other agents thinking I'm a black hole of goodness and looking at me that way. It's just...she knew about this for two months. She knew about Red Skull and didn't say anything. It just leads me to believe if there's something Fury and Coulson are hiding, she's keeping the secret with them."

"We don't have to trust her," he answered simply, "And you're nowhere near a black hole of goodness."

He said it casually, as he looked through his file. Natasha stared at him, wondering how on Earth she'd manage living up to his trust - but it wasn't just that. It was him- how could she fight it for longer than what she already had without time taking it's toll. She had to do something.

"Will you ever ask her out for coffee again?"

"What?"

"Sharon…" she said, nails digging into her skin again, "Will you ever-"

"We just talked about not trusting her."

"I don't like her..." Natasha began, "But, she cares about you Steve."

"I don't know if I can. Not right now."

"I won't argue with that."

"Come on," he said, his lips pressed into a forcibly content smirk. He pulled on a strand of her hair lightly - something he usually did to lighten the mood, "Let's focus on something that won't depress us to the end of the century."

She laughed, choked and hushed, but she laughed. To Steve it was enough.

"Maria has a separate mission for me. Not less depressing but still worth talking about," Natasha began, catching his attention easily, "They want me to figure out how he came to be, what happened, why it happened. They want me to destroy all trace of information after I gather enough for SHIELD."

"And they didn't want you telling anyone…"

"They wanted you on their side."

"Stunts like this one make me question it," he said, shaking his head, "Thanks for telling me."

"Steve," Natasha said, remembering Maria's words, "Am I a SHIELD Agent or an Avenger?"

He looked at her, a turn in his lips forming into a teensy smile.

"You're whatever you want to be."

"It doesn't feel like it," she said, tapping her fingers on the table before standing. There wasn't anywhere in particular she wanted to get to; Natasha simply needed to do something.

"Nat. You really can be whatever you damn well choose to be. You want to be both - do it. Neither, something else, whatever it is. And you know I'll be here to support whatever crazy-ass decision you pick."

"You know," she said, looking at him, "You have us paying the swear jar every time...but you've always been the one to curse the most. You never pay."

"You're changing the subject."

"But I'm right," she said, raising her eyebrow.

"So am I," he said, looking at her. The sincere blue eyes unsettled her, "And I never change the subject."

She sighed, crossing her arms in the process; a tell-tale sign she hated the conversation almost as much as she hated losing. Steve knew the movements, knew the reactions, and kept her in his line of vision as he went back to reviewing the files.

She needed some space; had needed it for a couple of days already. While it worried him and the urge to comfort her was stronger, Steve decided it was best to let her come to him when she was ready. Cornering her would only lead to Natasha running farther away.

It was something he couldn't help - the need to be there for her, to comfort her any way he could - _and he wanted to keep it that way_.

Natasha looked caged, turning left and right until she threw her hands in the air and in the spur of the moment lay on the floor, facing the ceiling and hands on her side. Her hair splayed out around her in a red halo. Steve rolled his chair to her, a sympathetic smile on his face.

"Comfortable?"

"Rogers, if you're just going to sit there judging me, might as well judge me laying down," she teased, watching his expressions to detect any hesitation - something that proved Steve really didn't want to be there. Of course, she was looking for things that didn't exist.

"You do know we have a mission to go to," he said, but stood up to sit besides her anyways, "We have to go, Nat."

"In a minute. I just need to...catch up. Perks of being the leaders of this rag-tag group."

He chuckled before laying besides her, hands at his side as well. They were silent for a moment; their movements limited to a shift in their hands or shoulders.

"Are you really okay with going on this mission? You just lost Peggy," she said, turning her head to him. He kept looking up.

"You know, it's funny...in a sad, twisted way," Steve whispered, "How I want my past back - how much I need Peggy, Bucky, Howard, the Howling Commandos - I feel so out of place. And just when I'm starting to get used to it; getting it through my thick head that I can't have that, it all goes to hell. I find and loose Bucky again. I find and loose Peggy again...even Red Skull comes back. It's like my past is still clinging on and just when it's at my fingertips, it disappears again."

"I'm the worst person to give advice about the past, Steve."

"I'm not looking for advice," he said, sighing, "I just need whatever you want to give. You, Sam - you guys are keeping me sane."

"Then Tony brings it all crashing down," she teased, as they chuckled lightly - it was alleviating in the middle of all the turmoil.

"Don't ever tell Tony, Clint and Thor how much I like them," he said, and it wasn't lost to both how the omission of a certain Avenger was clear. Natasha offered him a sad smirk.

"I've been a mess, Steve. These past two days...it's like a find the right side up for a moment; just for a few seconds I can see a little better. I feel stronger against myself. I feel like I can overcome demons that have clung to me for years. And then it all comes crashing down with questions I can't answer."

"Maybe you _can_ answer them, Nat. You're just not ready for them. And there is nothing wrong with that."

"I'm can't, Steve. I know I can't - and if I do, I'll never be certain it's the right thing to do."

"Natasha, you can't be your own worst enemy, no matter how much you think that's the case."

"I don't know how to not think the way I do. These are the things they taught me as a kid. Blue was bruises, red was blood, black was bullets, guns, and knives - you want to live, you have to kill for it. I was trained to do things at the age of 10 no kid should ever learn. And I can't stop thinking that way twenty years later."

"Well, maybe it's not about dropping everything you know, Nat. Maybe it's just about adapting to the situation," he said, turning to meet her gaze, "Red isn't just blood; red is courage. You want to live, you have to _fight_ for it. You were trained and your options were taken from you but now you're unstoppable. Why? Because you use your brain - as you always have - but now you use your heart."

"I can't trust it…"

"Of course you can, Nat. It's you. The real you. It always has been."

"I don't know who I am."

"Neither did I once. I was supposed to be one of many," Steve said, looking up at the ceiling, "Before Dr. Erkstine was murdered, he talked to me. He told me I'd be the first of many super-soldiers that would bring an end to the war. That's what Col. Philips wanted - an army. The serum? It made me the U.S. Army's weapon. And when that didn't happen, they changed me to fit what they needed."

"Even if Erkstine would have lived, Steve, you would still stand apart from the rest. You found out who you were...who you are..."

"I never would have done so if someone hadn't been there to confront me about it - to ask me if those were my only two options. If it hadn't been for her, I'd never would have discovered all that I was capable of doing. And now I'm telling you Nat...are those your only two options?"

Natasha looked up at the ceiling. It was pristine white, a blank canvas without a shadow in view. Her eyes trailed over it hungrily. Her lips parted slightly before she chewed on it once more.

 _Her heart_.

That was _her_. It was only hers. She trusted Steve to be right. So she closed her eyes and listened to the unfamiliar beating as if hearing it for the first time in her life.

"I don't want them to be," Nat whispered, in a broken voice.

"Well, that's a start. Don't you think?"

She was quiet for a moment; chewing on her lip as if thinking of the meaning behind every word he'd told her. Steve waited silently until she looked up at him again.

"I never had the intention of completing my mission without telling you about it. That doesn't make me an Avenger. It doesn't make me a SHIELD agent either."

"No?'

"No. That makes me your friend."

"You might be in the wrong business."

"But I'm in the right company."


	3. There was fire all along

"We should get going," he said, after a comfortable silence. Natasha sighed - her words still ringing true within her. While she didn't want to end possibly the only moment of peace she'd have today, she nodded.

He stretched out his hand to her, helping her up from the ground - even though she'd told him countless times it was an outdated and unnecessary gesture. Natasha was sure he did it far more often just to mess with her.

"Hey," she said, walking alongside him, along the pristine corridors to the jet hangar in the top floor of the Avenger's Tower, "If this is him…you'll be okay?"

"I don't know Nat, we'll need to find out how he came back. That's certain. I'm sure Tony will help us figure this out, but I don't know how much support we'll have from SHIELD. We'll have to do this without them knowing."

"If I don't give them the information by the time we come back, they'll be onto us."

"I'll leave the decision up to you, Nat," Steve said, turning to her, "After all, your judgement is the one I trust the most. You'll know what to do with it."

Natasha gave him a stiff nod, but knew he was saying it to prove she had a choice - she could do what she wanted. She wasn't limited by two options.

Sneaky captain of hers, proving again and again he was too good. For her.

"We'll need to let Tony know about this. He'll need to prep if...we bring anything back," Steve said, chewing on his lip as he mulled a thought over - one he didn't share, "Go on ahead and make sure everything's ready. I won't be long."

"Alright," she said, eyes curious. Steve had been and still was a terrible liar, even by omission. Natasha knew he was up to something. She could tell by the way his eyes seemed to flicker between hers and her hair, the way his lips turned into a stern line, and the way he raised his left eyebrow in a subconscious pull. But, she didn't say anything; opting instead to let him walk towards Stark's lab.

Without any more hesitation, Natasha walked the rest of the way busy thinking about what Steve was thinking. It was strange and sudden and it made her feel uneasy - the feeling was difficult to pinpoint.

Shaking her head, as if the thoughts would easily erase, she boarded the jet. Sharon and Sam were talking to the pilot while the rest of the strike team was loading their ammunition. Sam turned to her when Natasha entered, eyes questioning where Steve was.

"All set?" Nat asked, avoiding the nervous glance Sharon shot her way.

"Team's bringing in the last of the supplies. Jet will drop you and Sharon off here," Sam pointed out, as they walked to the center of the jet, map laid out for them, "The warehouse, as it turns out, was sold to an unidentified buyer 6 months ago."

"Let me guess, no info on the buyer?"

"Exactly. The company that previously owned the warehouse park now only owns the buildings past this point," Sam said, outlining the map, "You and Sharon take care of the warehouse and the main room. Plant the bombs and get the data. Steve and I will come from here - we're going straight to the experimental area. We'll plant the bombs. Files suggest Red Skull is there. Most of the energy emissions coming from the building are concentrated there, about three floors below."

"Anything on what that can be?"

"Hydra is big on experimentation; especially human experimentation," Sharon said, face steady and looking over to Natasha as she handed her a couple of pictures, "However, after the loss of Loki's scepter, they might be working from a different energy source."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Nat said, flipping through them, "Gamma radiation? And missing people? Please don't tell me it's what I'm thinking."

"And what's that?" Steve said, from behind her. The team turned to him, as he walked into the jet to join them, "They're trying it again, aren't they?"

"We think so," Sharon said, nodding, "Hydra might be attempting to re-create super-soldiers."

"Without you, though, isn't it impossible?" Sam asked Steve, looking over to him.

"Not really, Red Skull wanted the serum for himself. Before Erkstine finished it, Shmidt injected himself with it - one that wasn't finished. What he is now is a result of it."

"Which means he has a version of Erkstine's serum," Sharon said.

"And he's using radiation to complete what's missing," Sam muttered, running his hand across his face, "After all, Dr. Banner's experimentations were an attempt to recreate the serum. I makes sense."

"That would explain the report Hill gave me. In depth reports on Erkstine's work, what happened to Shmidt, and SHIELD's early attempts at recreating the serum," Natasha said, hands on the table and looking at the map.

"Show me," Steve said, offhandedly, as he studied the map. Natasha hesitated; not sure if Steve was aware of all of Peggy's notes embedded within the reports - reports about him. He looked at her when she didn't move, eyes questioning. Natasha nodded, grabbing her file from behind her and handing it to him.

"We're ready, Captain?"

"Then let's go," Steve said, not opening the file, "ETA?"

"3 hours, Captain. We'll probably hit a storm once we get there."

"Heavy?"

"Signs point to yes," the Strike Team pilot nodded, face steady, "Shouldn't be a problem."

"We'll use that as our cover," Steve said, turning to the rest of them, "I suggest we keep focusing on what we're going to be facing. Unknown or not - Red Skull or not, we're dealing with a threat. Let's hone in our plan and make sure nothing goes unchecked. For the moment, check your weapons, suits, gadgets, anything you'll be using. I don't want you to be stuck out there. Make sure we have a stable communication system. We'll regroup and re-discuss our mission strategies in an hour. Understood?"

The team along with the SHIELD Strike recruits nodded, all of them turning to their own seats and groups to do as the captain said, already verifying their magazines, guns, vests, and masks.

"Will you check on the file now or later?" Natasha asked, as Steve returned his gaze to the map between them all. Sharon and Sam had sat down, each fidgeting with their suit details. Natasha kept an eye and ear out for whoever wanted to listen in on her and Steve.

"Better now. That way I can have an idea of what information SHIELD has already," Steve said, in full Captain America mode.

"Steve...the file. Most of it is compiled; first-hand reports are personally filled out by Agent Carter...Agent Peggy Carter," she said, her voice steady and soft - like she'd use on a target when she tried to gauge a situation or reaction. Steve, however, was different. She couldn't read anything off him.

"I understand," he said, his stance and expression unmoving, "Makes sense."

"Okay," Natasha whispered, "You know, you still haven't cried...not really. I don't want you to be alone through this."

"Hey," he said, smiling, "I know you're here. Thank you."

"Did Stark say anything about the mission?"

"No," Steve said, breaking eye contact - it made her uneasy. He was definitely keeping something from her, "Said, he'd be ready when we came back."

"That's all?"

"Yeah…I'm going to check on these files. You should check your weapons and make sure they're ready, Romanoff," he said, the tease at the end of his distraction almost convincing Natasha to drop the idea. She didn't.

"Fine. But, I'll have you know, Rogers...you're still a terrible liar."

He didn't answer, opting instead to offer her a weak smile while distancing himself to a far corner of the jet, where he could delve into the file without too much interruption. Natasha sighed, curious and slightly puzzled as to what could possibly make Steve Rogers hold something back from her.

That thought followed her throughout the 3 hour trip - round and round in her head like a reminder to be on her guard while another part of her - one closer to her chest - told her to relax. This was Steve Rogers. He'd never purposefully hurt her or put her in harm's way.

All she had to do now was believe it.

They arrived right on time. The jet hovering over the warehouse, hidden in the dense, gray clouds. A storm was due to hit at any time, which made it better for them - they'd have stealth on their side. Steve said his orders, dispersed the team, and opened the hatch to the jet. All of it - Natasha noticed - was painfully routinely to him. He'd lived in war almost as long as she had.

"Expect heavy resistance. This is Hydra. If they shoot you, bring them down," he said, as the team prepared to leave the confinement of the jet, "Agent 13 and Agent Romanoff are going straight to the main data room. Sam and I are going to the lower floor. We'll plant the explosives as we go. Strike Team, you'll clear the area. Once you've finished with the ground level, you follow us. That gives us a 20 minute window to to sweep the building and get out of there. Understood?"

"Yes, Captain!" the Strike Team said, in unision.

"Our priority is to destroy whatever experimentation is going on. You see something, you destroy it, shut it down, or dismantle it," Natasha added, "If you can't, the bombs will do the rest."

"Ready?" Steve asked, looking over to them. Sam, Sharon and Natasha nodded, quick and focused. He pressed his lips tightly before turning and walking towards the opening. They were hovering lower and lower - the warehouse visible now, surrounded by the waves of rain falling heavier now. Lightning struck near them, loud and crackling into the railings of the docks.

"Now," Steve said, the jet dipping low to drop them over the docks before elevating again. The team jumped out and took to running into the fray where Hydra agents were already attacking. Sam swooped over the top, bringing with him several snipers and clearing the area for Sharon and Natasha to continue.

"We're going in," Natasha said, running past Steve, explosives ready, "You stay alive, got it?"

"You stay safe."

They locked eyes for a second, before splitting. Natasha taking cover and waiting for Sharon as she took down three agents tagging her.

"Ready?" Natasha asked, "You take the left, I'll take the right side. Meet at the railings. We'll go into the data room together, in case there's resistance."

"Got it," Sharon said, shooting over them to bring down another agent, "I'll cover. Go."

The women ran into the warehouse, hidden in the shadows and soaking wet. Steve was right. They met resistance and it was heavy. Hydra agents swarmed out of the previously locked doors like rabid animals. The Strike team was behind them, gun fire and groans of pain surrounding the area quickly.

Sharon and Natasha separated, each planting explosives on either side and meeting again to run up the stairs to the main room. Below them, the SHIELD agents gave Hydra a run for their money. The ground littered with blood, bodies, and weapons, the Strike team moved forward and into the warehouse grounds with minimal loss.

Natasha caught the red, white, and blue from Steve's shield as it made it's way to the target. Seconds later, Sam and Steve were out of sight as they entered the building and made it to the experimentation room. A sudden anxiety crept over her, and it became one of her priorities to get to the data room, bring cameras up and make sure Steve was alright.

Because of the mission - she reminded herself - the mission had to go as planned.

"No signs of enemy resistance in the main room," Natasha said, an uneasy tension taking hold of her shoulders. She brought her guns and stingers down when they entered, "I wonder why?"

"Sensors read three life forms in the experimentation room. Sam and Steve are 1 minute away from going in," Sharon said, looking over to Natasha as her fingers worked quickly to bring cameras up. Within moments, and while Nat worked through the encrypted files, the screens lit up with the entire building.

The Strike team was moving forward, following Sam and Steve closely and destroying all crates of ammunition and machinery that was in their way. Natasha looked for Steve, finding him fighting down a group of agents with Sam in the lower level. They were a floor away from the target floor.

She shook her head and forced her eyes back onto the screen, the files of the experiments coming up before her. Dismantling the security codes and walls, Nat took everything. Her eyes taking in all that she read. It wasn't good.

Hydra soldiers. Super-soldier serum. Gamma radiation.

57 failed experiments.

3 successful experiments - phase 1.

"Shit, shit, shit," Natasha said, cursing her way through the files and slamming in the encrypted drive to take it all with her. She pressed her com-piece, "Steve, 3 successful experiments. Target floor reads three life forms. Prepare to face super-soldiers. Reads phase 1. They may be unstable - not clear."

" _Copy that._ "

"What's going on?" Sharon said, walking over to her, a drive in her hand as well. Natasha took it and began counteracting the firewalls to erase all data.

"Hydra is creating super-soldiers just like we thought. Data says phase 1. 3 surviving."

"Any sign of Red Skull."

"Not yet," Nat said, "But we better get down there. Strike Team is not far behind. Steve and Sam are going to need the extra hands."

"We'll we've got 10 minutes before detonation. Sam and Steve are entering the experiment room and planting bombs. No resistance yet." Sharon said, looking at the screen, gun ready, "Ready when you are."

Natasha punched in the last of the codes before the screens and hard drives cracked and burst into short-circuited fires. The drives save in the pockets of her suit.

"Let's go."

"I would not be going anywhere, _Agents_."

The voice was nothing Natasha had heard before. Heavily accented and cold, almost taunting, almost deadly. The two agents froze and turned slowly.

" _No super-soldiers in sight. Three Hydra agents only,"_ Steve asked, through the com-piece, " _Any sign of them?"_

She didn't answer, instead looked over to Sharon, both debating what to do.

"Ah, yes, I was hoping to meet you both," he said, face red like the heart of a fire. Natasha took him in, the harsh bones of his hollow cheekbones, the sunken eyes, and the too-wide grin full of perfectly white teeth. Red Skull.

" _Romanoff? Carter? Can you hear me?"_

They were unmoving. Sharon's hands at her sides like Natasha. Red Skull grinned wickedly and stepped aside. Behind him, three soldiers entered - tall, sweating and eyes almost glowing green.

"I'd like for you to meet my super-soldiers," Red Skull said, his hand extended to the two blonde men and a black haired woman, "They are not your precious _Captain America_...they are more. They are better."

"Doesn't look like it," Natasha said, eyeing the soldiers. They looked disoriented and weary except for their ever-focused eyes. Red Skull lost his grin, his extended hand fisted menacingly.

" _Sam. Data room. Red Skull. Now."_

They were coming. They'd have a fair fight. Natasha sighed inwardly. Steve was coming.

"Let's see how the famous Black Widow deals with them," he said, a slight chuckle in his voice, "I'm sure you know how to deal with subjects of gamma radiation...like your Avenger friend."

"That's your attempt at re-creating the serum," Sharon said, unwavering, "Gamma radiation?"

"Agent 13, isn't it? Yes, I know all about your interesting lineage with SHIELD," Red Skull said, turning to the door, "Too bad it ends here. Soldiers, attack."

Like a blur, the three Hydra soldiers attacked. Two of them taking on Natasha. The other charging at Sharon. From the corner of her eye, she noticed Red Skull take his leave of the room, walking out as casual as he came in.

Natasha felt her first blow come from behind, making contact with her spine. She ground her teeth together to prevent a scream as she spun to hit the woman with her stingers while wrapping her legs in a hold on the man's torso. They didn't faze much; instead, grabbing her and throwing her over the fried computers. Then she groaned, feeling the ache of her arms and legs. It didn't stop her, though. Jumping up and over, Natasha latched onto one of them, digging her stingers in as she aimed her gun at the other.

Then they saw them. Sam and Steve running into the room.

"He left. Catch up to him, Rogers," Natasha yelled out. Steve didn't hesitate; he ran out of the room and towards Red Skull while Sam took on the super-soldier.

"Is it just me or are they getting greener," Sharon groaned out, trying to keep her opponent in a chokehold before being crushed into the wall.

"We need to knock them unconscious. Otherwise, they'll keep getting angry and they'll keep getting stronger," Natasha said, shoving her elbow on the Hydra soldier's neck, "We've got less than 4 minutes."

Sam knocked his opponent away when he sprung his wings open, sending the soldier crashing into the wall. He punched again and again, until the man was unconscious.

Natasha attacked, using all of her strength to keep her opponent on the ground as she recharged her stingers to finally bring him down. Sharon was besides her, hitting her enemy with a computer screen, and flinging kick after kick until he fell, unmoving.

No sooner had the second fallen, when her stingers lit up and she dug them into the Hydra soldier's neck, her groans dwindling until she stopped fighting.

"Three minutes. We need to get out of here," Sam shouted, pulling them out into the hall, "Data?"

"Secure," Natasha said, "Computers fried and their backups lost. Any sign of Steve?"

"Warehouse. Red Skull is trying to escape with a group of Hydra agents," Sharon panted, "Strike Team heading towards the quinjet. Building clear for detonation."

"We have to get Steve out of here. He won't leave if he thinks Red Skull can be stopped," Natasha said, running with the others.

They almost flew down the stairs, taking multiple steps to reach the ground floor again until they were closer to them. Red Skull throwing hits while Steve blocked them. The Strike Team was with him, battling off the rest of Hydra.

"You will not make it out in time, Captain Rogers," Red Skull taunted, "Risking the lives of your team to stop me. How time has changed you…."

"Nice try, Red Skull," Steve said, flinging him shield and knocking him back a few yards until he crashed against the wall, "How are you alive?"

"Excellent question, Captain. One I will share with you because of our history," Red Skull said, blocking Steve's hit and grabbing the shield - both men pushing against it, "The source I always searched for. The one that destroyed me was the one to bring me back. That is the beauty of the tesseract. I never died. I was simply transported."

"The tesseract…" Steve whispered, furiously, eyebrows furrowing in understanding, "Well, your time's about to end again, Skull. I will stop you. I'll find a way to kill you this time."

"Always so brave and ready for the fight. And still, always so underestimated by everyone but myself. I know your worth - one that rivals mine. My opposite. Which is why it will be me to destroy you one day, Captain America. Our history will finally be a full circle. We will be back to the beginning and then...things will end for good."

Red Skull all but growled as he aimed at Steve, reinstating their fight. Once more, the team was stuck - detained with fighting the last of Hydra in the warehouse with less than a minute before the detonations. Steve blocked Red Skull's kick, using his force to swing his shield to his face, knocking him back and onto the ground.

Besides them, Sharon, Sam and Natasha took on the Hydra agents that attacked them while three others headed towards a chopper, carrying with them black, reinforced briefcases.

"Whatever's on those briefcases must be important," Natasha said, "How about we get our hands on them?"

"On it," Sam answered, propelling himself towards the chopper already.

"I'll make sure Steve gets out okay," Nat said, sparing a second from looking at Steve and turning to Sharon, "You help Sam. Go!"

Natasha took down her opponents quickly, moving along with the Strike Team. The explosions began then, starting in the experimental room. The ground shook under them and Natasha quickly ordered the team to exit and head for the quinjet.

Red Skull turned towards the building, yelling in fury as he figured out what was happening.

"This wasn't just to find you, Skull," Steve said, punching him, "This was to stop your experiments."

"You will never stop me, Captain. Cut one head, two more shall take it's place."

"Steve!" Natasha yelled, as the explosions reached the warehouse. Bombs detonated besides them, sending Steve, Natasha and Red Skull flying off and crashing against the debris and fires. It was all around them, crackling and thunderous like the lightning outside.

Natasha landed face first on the ground, shielding her face and head as best she could. She felt Steve's body cover hers - his shield preventing the fires from getting to their faces. Once the impact of the explosion passed and the flames turned upward, he lowered the shield.

Steve shook of the surprise, rising from the ground and helping her up. There were a few yards away from the exit; Sam and Sharon ushering the Strike Team out and calling them over, briefcases in hand.

"Let's get out of here, Nat," Steve said, grabbing his shield, covered in green-black blood.

"Red Skull's blood?"

"I hope so. This is what Tony wanted."

"Where did he go?" Nat asked, both of them turning to the rest of the warehouse. Red Skull was nowhere in sight. Neither was the chopper.

"He's gone."

"We'll be gone too if we don't hurry up," Nat said, as they took off running. They were nearing the warehouse opening when the larger explosions hit. The ground crumbled beneath them as they exited; fires surrounding them and the heat detonating the rest of the explosives.

Another round hit. Natasha and Steve flew with the impact, debris falling onto them quickly - consuming them in smoke. She reached for his hand, pulling him up and out of the falling debris' range. The ceiling was now crumbling around them; the building would go down in seconds.

Steve pulled her close, into the safety of his shield as they barged through; her guns ready, her mind focused even though the tingling sensation of his warmth was able to creep through, enough to distract her for a second and think about how dangerous this had turned out to be.

Somehow, they managed to exit. They'd made it out. Safe. And alive.

Then it happened.

Natasha didn't see it sooner, but as soon as she felt the hard, coldness of the rain, she felt the sting of a bullet. From above, the chopper shot at them, mercilessly. Groaning and falling to the ground, she clutched her thigh marred with multiple gun wounds.

"Romanoff, watch out!" Sharon screamed, pushing her out of the way. The bullet grazed her side, staining her white suit and exposing her bloodied flesh. She groaned out in pain while Steve and Sam blocked another round of bullets before Red Skull's chopper disappeared from sight.

"Come on," Steve said, "Hold on to my shoulder, Nat. Sharon, can you make it to the jet?"

"Don't worry about me. We've got to get out of here - we've got the data, this thing," she answered, waving the briefcase in her hand, "And that goo on your shield. We've got enough information for next time. Only if we get out of here. This place is crumbling and it won't be long before more of Hydra comes back."

"She's got a point, Rogers. The rain will wash off Skull's blood if we don't move," Natasha said, holding in a pained whimper as she tried to use her injured leg. Steve held her higher, helping relieve the tension.

He nodded - looking down to her and Sharon before looking over to Sam.

"You heard the ladies. We've got to go."

* * *

The jet was ready by the time they arrived. In no time, they were off and headed back to the Avenger's tower. The team dispersed to their own groups; many of them resting on the benches and floor of the jet cleaning their wounds or weapons.

With Natasha and Sharon shot; the shield and the briefcases were set aside as Steve hurried them in order to get cleaned up - but not too far (Natasha's request as she groaned when her leg was moved).

"Have you talked to Wanda, Vision or Rhodes?" Sam asked, as Steve prepped the med-kits for them, "Things are okay down at the facility?"

"Stark has kept in touch with them. So far, everything's alright. Fury and Hill went back to it this morning."

"Are they expecting us to arrive there?"

"Yes, but we've got to clear some things up first...like why Skull's blood looks like that," Steve said, pointing to his shield as Natasha worked on collecting the samples, "And we need to figure out what those briefcases contain."

"We can't open them yet. They're locked through some algorithm. Our best shot is Stark."

"Which is why we're heading to the tower. Fury and Hill are laying low because they're expecting the data to be given to them anyways," Steve said, looking over to Natasha once more. She worked diligently and he knew it was to distract herself from the pain.

"Come on then," Sam said, "Let's help them out. You take care of Sharon. I think she needs a faster hand that mine; she's already stopped the bleeding. I'll make sure Natasha's leg gets stitched."

"Right. Thanks, Sam," Steve answered, shaking his head slightly and turning to Sharon, who was sitting up - back to him - and trying to clean her wound. He hurried to her, kit in hand.

Natasha eyed Steve from under her lashes as she continued to work on the shield. Sam approached her cautiously.

"Good mission. I'd say it was a success, even though Skull got away," he began, catching her attention. Natasha looked up at him, "I mean, aside from you and Sharon getting shot."

"At least we have more ground to go on - we can answer a lot of questions and SHIELD will know what to look for."

"How you holding up?" he asked. She offered a shrug and finished the shield, placing it next to her quietly, "Well, tough girl, I brought you a med-kit. You do use those things. Don't you?"

"You really should stop being in awe over us Avengers. You're one, too."

"It's nice to hear someone say that," he said, smiling and sitting next to her. He opened the kit and took out the necessary to clean the bullet scrapes. He didn't say anything else, neither did she. But his expression - it told her he wanted to talk. Natasha noticed Sam partially blocked her view of Steve and Sharon and didn't know whether it was on purpose or not.

Not that she wanted to dwell on that. Not the way Steve worked on Sharon's wound, one much worse than hers. Not the way he distracted her with a lighthearted conversation that made her smile every now and then. Not the way Sharon had pushed Natasha out of the way. Not the way Steve had gone to help Sharon and not her.

"I told him. To go with Sharon," Sam said. Natasha blinked a couple of times before looking over to her teammate. He was waiting, disinfectant in hand. There was a too-knowing look in his eye. One that made her remember their talk at Peggy's funeral. She shifted and tore off the rest of her suit leg.

"You want me to write it on the report," she responded, taking the soaked gauze and hastily pressing her leg. Natasha swallowed back a wince as Sam unrolled the bands that would go around her thigh.

"I'm just telling you so you can drop the death stare. He wanted to come over to you, but Steve's got a quicker hand at stitching. Sharon needs that at the moment."

"Don't know why you think I care."

"Spend enough time around Steve Rogers and you end up caring about the people that surround you," he said, sighing and pushing her hand away as it reached for the gauze, "Lift your leg, let me wrap this around….Look Natasha, I don't know what's going on. And I don't pretend to be close to you as I know Steve is, so it's okay. I don't expect you to share your feelings or your secrets. But you are on my team. We have trained and fought alongside each other long enough. And I know something is off."

"You're damn right something's off," Natasha answered, trying to reign in the conversation back to her control before the inevitable was exposed, "I was careless in the field and now I owe Sharon. She moved me out of the bullet's trajectory. I don't like having debts."

"That's what's wrong?"

"What else would be?"

They were silent - eyes challenging the other's pair. Green against brown until one faltered. Sam shook his head and blinked slowly, almost tired.

"We've spoken about this already, Natasha. You're getting closer to the too-late phase. If you want to act, you do it now. Don't go hurting yourself or...hurting others."

"My answer stays the same," she said, looking down to her leg.

"And my advice does too. I sure hope you start believing it."

"Sam. Why tell me these things? Why come to me like you expect it to be different - I'm not made for that sort of thing."

"I tell you because I have yet to hear you say you don't care about Steve. That you don't feel what he feels - that you don't love him. You are human, Natasha. It is completely normal for you to fail, and learn and make mistakes and succeed and change," Sam said, voice low and steady, "The way you act betrays your words. The way you were looking at him as he walked over to Sharon. That's called longing. And it's not the first time I see it."

"Maybe you just want to see things that aren't there, Sam. I know what I am."

"But do you know _who_ you are?"

"Apparently I'm someone who isn't a very good spy - if that was a secret to keep, which is not, I'd be terrible at it."

"Not really," Sam said, shaking his head, "I just...maybe you are right and I'm biasedly trying to get two of my friends together when it won't work. But I might also be doing that because what you guys have would confuse any other person. You two are close."

"Being close to a guy doesn't equate me to his inevitable romantic interest."

"I'm not saying that, Natasha. And you aren't. Giving a shot at a relationship - a romantic one; with Steve or with anyone - it's a start at forgiving yourself for yourself."

"Tried that. Didn't end well."

"Maybe next time allow yourself to be loved and love someone not because you think both of you are monsters and it'll be _easier_ that way," Sam sighed, ignoring her quizzical brow and scrutinizing gaze, "Yeah, okay, sue me...I know because I _may_ have overheard you and Steve talking in the training room. But that's not the point. My point is - don't _ever_ sell yourself short, Romanoff. Everybody here knows your value; not as a weapon, as a person and a friend."

Natasha sighed, giving him the impression she was annoyed and finished with the conversation. Sadly, she couldn't distract herself with anything else as he'd already finished up with her leg. Instead, she ignored him choosing to lean back onto the wall and close her eyes.

"Don't worry about waking me. I know when we'll arrive."

"Do not disturb, right. I get it. The get-the-hell-away-from-me stare was enough for me to get the idea," he said, grabbing her hand and startling her, "But, Natasha, I do believe in you just as I do Steve. You two are the strongest people I have the pleasure of knowing. I believe in you, okay."

Natasha didn't answer, but couldn't help squeezing her eyes shut to prevent her from opening them and meeting Sam's supportive gaze. She swallowed hard and controlled her breathing - all routine for her. It was no big deal. She felt him let go, hear the faint sound of him leaving - of walking away and taking the shield with him.

She scowled internally. _Longing_. No, it was just his imagination. She was Natasha Romanoff, and as the Black Widow - she didn't do longing.

So naturally, she pretended to sleep, while her mind messed with her - just like it loved to do. It brought up unwanted snippets of memories and experiences. It mixed the good and the bad; the tortures and the laughs until she didn't know how to feel about either one of them.

Not far from her, she _felt_ Steve's movements as he walked back from the bench where Sharon was. Someone followed him, Nat thought, most likely Sam. She remained un-moving. Memories getting the best of her - and as hard as she tried - they always did.

The trip back to the tower was felt quick, even though the entire Strike Team was tired, dirty, and nursing at least one wound - bullet scrapes here and there. Natasha spent the rest of her time avoiding opening her eyes, battling internal demons, forcing herself to ignore the resonating words Sam had told her. It was upsetting her the way she was breaking her walls, leaving her exposed and vulnerable. Natasha didn't need the team feeling sorry for her or telling her what she felt or didn't.

"Nat said not to wake her," Sam whispered, close enough for Natasha to know they were close to her. She heard a soft, tired sigh - Steve's.

"She must be tired; but Nat's got to head straight to the med wing. If she waits any longer, her leg won't heal well," he whispered.

"I already called, Stark is sending docs their way. When he found out Sharon and Natasha had been hurt, he contacted Dr. Cho. Look here they come."

"Right," he answered, as Natasha opened her eyes to see the medical team rush in, splitting to aid her and Sharon, "Okay, I'll meet you later. I've got to take Skull's blood samples and the briefcases to Tony. He's waiting for me. I gotta figure out if he's the real one. With Dr. Cho here, she might help."

"Didn't he say the tesseract brought him back," Sam asked, their voices sounding farther away. Natasha waved off the help and jumped onto the stretcher.

"If Nat's taught me anything is to never believe what they tell you," Steve said, chuckling, "That could be a lie to keep us off track. I need to figure this out - I need to put a stop to Red Skull, whether it is or isn't him. With the information Natasha gathered, we should find out pretty soon. Speaking of..."

He turned to her as she passed by; Steve's eyes met hers and smiled.

"How're you holding up?" he asked her.

"I think I'll live through this one; tough call," Natasha said, looking over to Sharon who was being wheeled out after her, "How about you, Carter?"

"Been better," Sharon said, wincing slightly as the team rolled her away, she lay back down and sighed, "But, yes, I'll survive."

"Agent Romanoff," the medic urged.

"Right, right," Natasha said, rolling her eyes, but taking the zip drives from her cleverly hidden pockets and turning to Steve, "Here. Get these to Stark. He'll make copies. Get what we need. _Then_ I'll give it to SHIELD. Tell him not to tamper with it; otherwise, Hill will notice."

"Will do," Steve answered, "I'll tell you how that goes."

She didn't respond, the medics were already wheeling her away. Natasha dropped back down to her stretcher and waited. With Cho around, she wouldn't have to heal on her own - she hated that, even with slightly accelerated healing processes. Natasha hated being useless. At least that was a plus. Cho would have her ready for another mission in no time.

And she'd take the opportunity to talk to Sharon - as much as she'd want to avoid talking to her again, Natasha needed to acknowledge what happened in the field.

Grinding her teeth, she closed her eyes until they wheeled her into the medical room.

"Dr. Cho?" Nat asked, when she didn't see her around.

"Busy right now," an assistant said, aiming to help Nat into the cradle. Natasha waved him off, "At the moment, she's overseeing Agent 13 regeneration process. It should be over in 10 minutes as we started hers before you."

"Alright then," Nat said, now in place, "Fire it up."

"Just remain still, Agent Romanoff. You should not feel any discomfort," the assistant explained, "Your regeneration should be ready in 12 minutes."

And so she did. Natasha stayed completely immobile, only her eyes wandering to the room surrounding her. The whiz of the machine kept her memories at bay - the ones taking a hold of her on the jet, the impending conversation with Sharon giving her a slight headache.

She really hated having a debt.

And maybe today was just not the right day to dwell on it but here she was with nothing else to do but wait her regeneration out and hope the rest of the day went well.

Something inside her - call it a gut feeling - told her it wouldn't be that way.

It only made it worse that she'd chewed Sharon out earlier that day. Natasha didn't feel guilty; didn't regret the conversation, but maybe she'd been far too defensive. Perhaps Sharon was at the brink of exploding too; after all, she'd just lost her aunt and was being sent off on a mission.

Natasha can't expect everyone to have the composure she did - that had taken years of forced training to perfect. She sighed internally.

Then there was Sam with his noble words of comfort. Natasha wasn't sure if she wanted to avoid them from now on or welcome them because he meant well. She couldn't help but have a soft spot for the guy. Afterall, there was no other person - aside from Clint - that had helped her out as much in times of trouble. She remembered D.C. well. He took them in when the world was after them.

But, damn it, it seemed like his mission was to make her admit something he wanted to see.

 _Maybe it was something he saw in her._

 _Something she didn't want to admit._

 _Something she was too afraid to recognize._

"All done, Agent Romanoff."

"Fastest 12 minutes of my life," she said, lightheartedly. After all, she had to save face, "Thank you."

"Ready to stand?" the assistant said, opening the cradle and letting Natasha get off, "How does it feel? Any discomfort?"

"None."

"Then you are free to go."

She didn't spare another word and walked out of medical. Natasha intended on finding Sharon, but to her surprise, the blonde agent was waiting outside, suit in need of repairs like her own.

"Carter."

"Romanoff."

"Good as new, I suppose?" Natasha asked, looking over to the exposed area of her midriff - not a single drop of smeared blood or protruding flesh.

"Yeah, it was my first time using the cradle and it freaked me out," she said, her voice evidently different than before, "I can't tell the difference."

"Believe me you won't. Look, I want to acknowledge what I owe you. You pushed me out of the way."

"Romanoff, you don't owe me anything. Think of it as my way of apologizing for how I acted this morning," Sharon said, "As hard as it is for me to admit it. I wasn't acting professionally. You are right. This isn't some high school and it most definitely isn't a competition. I was running the risk of viewing things that way."

"I understand. Believe me, I've blurred the lines between teammates before," Natasha said, keeping the memories of Ultron and her time in Sokovia at bay.

"It's more than that. I felt protective of Captain Rogers because I thought I knew him. In reality, it was Aunt Peggy that did; I know him through her eyes. But that was decades ago. And while I see why it isn't my place to feel that way, I understand why it is for you."

"Steve and I have been through many missions. Time creeps up on you and in this line of work, you need all the trusted hands you can get," Natasha said, hesitating to say the words she was planning on spewing out - as if they burned her, formed a knot in her throat, "I'm sure one day you can get there. And if your feelings for Steve grow-"

"Stop," Sharon said, interrupting Natasha, her hand in the air between them, "You don't have to say those things. I'm a grown woman, Romanoff. I know when I should and shouldn't pursue something. But aside from that, I can tell when a person is meant for someone else."

Natasha's face was stoic, unreadable, but she knew what continued - she could tell what Sharon was leading up to.

"Steve and I are partners, nothing more."

"With all due respect, Romanoff, I know _partners_. I've had them ever since I started with SHIELD, my time with the CIA. Yes, you have each other's backs - there's a bond created. But what you and Captain Rogers have is far more profound. It's trust and comfort."

"It doesn't go beyond that."

"I'm going to steal your words," she said, looking at her without wavering, "In our line of work, you don't get that often."

There was a heavy pressure in Nat's chest - it took her a few seconds to realize it was her heart thumping away in her chest.

No.

She had to ignore it. She was too far gone.

Denied it for far too long.

"Romanoff," Sharon called out, her voice calm and steady, "Am I wrong? I'm not asking you because I want to take advantage of your answer and get close to Captain Rogers. Believe it or not, I'm asking as a person that doesn't mean any harm."

"No such person exists."

"Captain Rogers does."

"Steve…" Natasha said almost defeated, voice betraying her for a millisecond - trembling at the utterance of the syllable that formed his name. Sharon noticed it. She smiled, but it wasn't reciprocated, "Look, I'm not made to feel those things, Carter. It isn't who I am."

"We're all human, Romanoff. Why don't you stop seeing yourself as an asset. The person I fought with today - the one that took on two super-soldiers and wasn't afraid of Red Skull - the one that helped Captain Rogers move his ass out of that warehouse. She's the type of SHIELD agent the organization needs; the agents this organization was made for."

"That has nothing to do with your insinuations of my romantic entanglements with Steve…" she said, catching herself, "The _supposed_ entanglements."

"It might," Sharon said, pursing her lips together before speaking again, "But I won't go where I'm not welcome...or allowed...all I wanted to say, aside from clearing up that you don't owe me anything...I wanted to say that I understand. I'm not apologizing for my behavior, but I admit I was misguided. And if there is something there with Captain Rogers, cherish it, Romanoff. It's not everyday you get peace in this world. Why not nurture what you've found and make it grow?"

"I'll see you at the mission debriefing, Carter."

"Very well," she answered, not really surprised by Natasha's answer. After nodding her head and smiling a tiny bit to her, she turned and headed to the room Stark had given her. That left Natasha alone in the grand, empty hallway of the tower to contemplate what the hell had just happened.

She leaned against the wall, hands at her side and mind focused on making sense of her jumbled feelings. Among the pressure, the weight crushing at her ribs, there was a bit of light. Something that helped her breathe easier. A part of her recognized the feeling; memories of Steve rushed before her eyes before she put a stop to them.

 _No._

 _She had to ignore it. She was too far gone._

 _Denied it for far too long._

 _No._

 _She had to ignore it. She was too far gone._

 _Denied it for far too long._

"You're losing it, Romanoff. Don't let words get to you. You're trained for this. You know what you're good at, and that is being the best there is. You're the best because you don't get tangled up. Don't let unnecessary judgments cloud your view," she whispered, like a mantra without heart, "You know how these things end. You don't need to ruin it for you. Or for Steve."

She pressed her head even harder - the wall standing firmly behind her as she tried to ground her skull to it in order to erase thoughts. But they were there.

Of course she knew how things ended.

Her judgement had been clouded with Bruce. Not only had she allowed herself to treat him like a target, manipulating him to get his attention - to feel what she felt; she'd also played damsel in distress when Ultron captured her. Sure, she'd sent Barton her coordinates. Sure, she could have gotten out of that cell in no time, hands tied. But she didn't.

She had run the risk of accommodating herself to him and she hadn't even realized it.

And then, probably the worst, she'd allowed her judgement - twisted and filled with self-hate - to convince herself she wanted to leave the mission, leave her team. To disappear with Bruce.

She would've left Clint alone. She would've left Steve alone. She would have given up on clearing her ledger. _And that was not her_.

And when she'd chosen herself; he chose himself.

That's how things ended. A string of nightmares and feelings of dejection.

Shaking her head once again, Natasha sighed - neither lamenting nor regretting, but fortifying her strength to keep going. She sobered up the dormant courage within her and peeled herself off the wall.

There was a mission to complete - one that Steve and Tony were working on up at the labs.

Natasha didn't wait any longer and hurried up; debating whether to change or head straight for the lab. Her suit wasn't that bad - her leg was the only thing that had taken damage. She decided to visit the lab first; make sure Stark had taken the data out successfully and was working on opening the briefcases.

By now she could see them, through the glass windows of the large laboratory - Steve had his back to stairway she was in, still in his dirty suit. Stark was next to him, talking animatedly and holding up the samples she'd collected. He seemed to be talking to Dr. Cho - Natasha couldn't tell.

She took the last, small flight of stairs before standing before the lab entrance as it opened automatically to give her access.

It wasn't what she was expecting.

Of course, she'd expected to see Stark babbling and Steve nodding and Dr. Cho working.

Instead, she was met face to face with the stunned face of a different kind of doctor.

 _Bruce Banner_

There was a sudden stillness in the air around her; for a second, she figured it was her mind playing illusions. But the sudden jerky movements from Steve, to her right, brought it into perspective. Banner really was standing there, in the middle of the lab.

"Romanoff," Stark said, in the otherwise suddenly silent room "About time you arrived, how's the leg?"

"It's working," she answered, voice monotone. But she felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her - _surprises_ ; she wasn't fond of them. Her cheeks felt cold. Her mind raced.

 _Wasn't she just fighting herself over this seconds ago?_

Then her mind pieced it together. What had been bugging since they left on the mission.

What Rogers was keeping from her.

He knew.

 _He'd known_.

She tore her eyes from everyone else to look at him; face emotionless and unreadable. And of course he was looking at her; slightly less composed than her. His brows were brought together and his lips were situated in a permanent apologizing frown. It was unclear to her what Steve saw in her eyes, but it must have been bad. He made the attempt to step closer to her but the tensing of her shoulders and the rest of the Avengers gave him a pause. He recollected instantly, eyes still locked together. Until her pursed lips stung and her eyes - she knew they were accusing.

Natasha looked away from him and remembered who she was, above everything else - the Black Widow - master of keeping things under _her_ control.

She'd chosen herself - it was time to show it.

"So, are you not going to tell me what you've found out about this mess, Stark?" she said, walking closer to the lab table where the samples were being tested. Holographic screens surrounded them, all running tests and algorithms.

"You did an excellent job with the samples."

"Tell me something I don't know," she said, "Dr. Cho, maybe you can do better?"

"Hello Agent Romanoff," Cho greeted, smiling and coming closer. Natasha saw Steve stay put, out of the corner of her eye, "The samples you brought in - it's something we've never seen before, a mix of the super-soldier serum and gamma radiation-infused blood samples."

"How is that possible?" Natasha said, looking over to Banner and Stark. She was fiercely proud of herself when she noticed the two men move toward her in fiercely awkward composure.

"We're figuring it out," Stark said, "From what we've pieced together, it's very likely that this is indeed Red Skull."

"When we separate the blood cells infected with the Hulk blood," Bruce said, voice softer than Stark's - more tense - "The blood sample matched Johann Shmidt, according to the records kept by SHIELD. He's the real Skull."

Natasha turned to Steve, who was quietly listening to all of this. He looked up to her when she turned, eyes tormented and she wasn't entirely sure if it was because he'd kept Bruce's arrival from her or because his lifelong enemy was alive and well.

"He told me the tesseract was what kept him alive," he said, arms crossed, voice low, "Didn't kill him...just transported him."

"And how the hell did this get mixed up with Hulk blood?" she asked, looking around the room until her eyes landed on Bruce - much to her dismay, "How did he get his hands on it?"

"I'm not sure of that yet. The only successful experimentation with gamma radiation created me - all other attempts have failed."

"He didn't need to be successful multiple times," Dr. Cho said, "It's possible all he had to do was get enough right to inject himself."

"Could he have recreated the experimentation?" Steve asked, "There was more than enough equipment at the warehouse to do so, and gamma radiations were picked up by SHIELD."

"It's possible, but highly unlikely. Yes, we're are dealing with an impressive brain here. Red Skull managed to transport back from wherever he was, further his experimentation and research right under SHIELD radar, and get away with it, too," Tony said, looking at the screens, "But I'm willing to bet he has a control group - ground zero blood sample to work from."

There was a sudden click of the briefcase. All heads turned to it. Steve stepped in to open it; the case heavily reinforced with a cooling system.

"And it looks like he's willing to share," he said, turning the case for the others to see. Natasha cursed under her breath, eyes looking upon syringes containing dark green liquid, viscous and almost glowing.

" _Christ_ , he's farming the blood. That's where he's getting the soldiers from…" Tony said, looking up to Steve, "Your serum can't be recreated."

"No, but I'm guessing Skull is using gamma radiation as the missing link," Banner said.

"I'll have to test these samples," Dr. Cho said, picking a syringe, "Dr. Banner, do you have any idea how they could have gotten to your blood?"

"I'm the only source. From what I remember, no one has taken a blood sample from me in years," he answered, looking over to Tony, "Right?"

"Don't look at me, I haven't done anything."

"Whether you are or aren't the only one, we have to get to _his_ source," Natasha said, "Cut the root and make sure he doesn't keep reproducing it. The soldiers we encountered in the warehouse. It read Phase 1. He might still be in an experimental phase. They didn't look very healthy, to begin with."

"Even if we do get to the source. Even if we find out how he managed to extract it from me…" Banner said, his wild eyes focused on scanning the entire table, "The blood in his system is working - the serum and the gamma cells have bonded. Skull can use that as his source now."

"Then we'll stop him," Steve said.

"Steve, you can't undo the gamma radiation. You can't take it out of his blood," Bruce said, shaking his head, "Believe me. I've tried."

"That's not what I meant, Banner."

"Captain Rogers," Dr. Cho called, "There might be a way to figure this out. I have both original sources here. You and Dr. Banner are the clean samples. Perhaps I can work backwards...figure out how to untangle the gamma cells from serum cells. If I succeed, I can come up with a formula to counteract Red Skull's blood."

"You think that would work?" Tony said, coming closer

"We have no idea what we're tampering with. My blood has never been experimented with," Bruce said, "And I'm sure Steve has been as protective as me."

"Unless SHIELD took advantage of me being unconscious at the beginning…" Steve said, deep in thought, "How long do you think Skull has been back and working on this?"

"What are you on?" Natasha said, her mind working as quickly as him, "You don't think it's been under our noses all these years?"

"It wouldn't be surprising. We're talking about Fury - of course he'd want to have as much information on the people who would comprise of the most powerful team around."

"Can you guys clue us in?" Tony said, looking around, "We're dying to know."

"I was under SHIELD protection when I was thawed. Dr. Banner, there have been moments you've been unconscious after a transformation - when you end up in the med wing. It isn't too far fetched to think Hydra's been working on this for a while and that SHIELD blood samples could easily have been Hydra samples."

"After all," Natasha added, "Hydra's been SHIELD for longer than we can guess."

"Well, shit," Tony said, "That's comforting."

"It's useless to dwell on what has already happened," Dr. Cho said, "This is where we are now. Red Skull has a serum - a fusion of soldier serum and Hulk serum. He's figured out a way to fuse them. What we have to do now is make an _antidote_."

"She's right," Natasha said, "That will put a stop to more super-soldiers and to Red Skull."

"Then we have work to do," Banner said, "Dr. Cho and I can start working on the serum."

"And we need to figure out where he is," Tony said, "I'll get to looking for him. Something tells me I'm looking for gamma radiation."

"Keep checking around Germany," Steve said, "Skull kept on bringing up our history. Going full circle. Something tells me he's sticking around."

"I'll find him in no time, Rogers…" Tony said, bringing up more screens, and waving the zip drive, "But first, I'm going to sift through this baby. See what trinkets I find. Then you can take it to the lovely Hill. In the meantime, get cleaned up. I'm sure you'll be flying out of here again pretty soon."

Natasha nodded, wasting no time in removing her hands from the lab table and walking out of the way before Steve came up to her. She knew he'd want to talk about why the hell Banner was there and explain why he'd kept it from her.

But she was angry.

And if he approached her now, she'd respond accordingly.

Natasha Romanoff would bite.

The longer she avoided the conversation, the better it would be for him.

"Natasha," Steve said, far off behind her, "Wait."

She ignored him and kept walking down the hall of the building, not really knowing where to go. Natasha heard his footsteps as they got closer to her. Her hands fisted immediately but she kept walking - faster.

"Nat, just listen to me."

But she didn't want to. And so, she kept walking away from him until she got to the room she'd stayed in before.

"Natasha, listen to me," he said, catching her before she slammed the door on his face. Natasha turned to him, angry and disappointed.

"Let go of the door."

"Nat-"

"Don't, Rogers," she said, "I have every right to be angry. And staying away from you right now will be the best thing to do because I want to hurt you right now. Let go of the door."

Steve's face softened visibly - there was a sort of pain on his face. Natasha could tell he was genuinely sorry for putting her in a difficult position - but not for calling Banner.

"Nat, Tony and I talked about calling Dr. Banner this morning before we left to Germany. He figured if we were able to get a blood sample, Banner could help Dr. Cho with questions we would not be able to answer. And we were right."

"I told you right away - I told you Hill had me on an extra mission. I trusted you," she said, letting go of the door and walking away from him, "How could you not return the damn favor?"

"I didn't think..." he said, slowly, "I didn't think he'd be here. Tony was going to meet with him and Dr. Cho down at the compound - they were going to be at the facility. I was going to tell you we'd found Banner. I just...didn't want to make you uncomfortable sooner."

"You were going to tell me about Banner - how fucking convenient of you to tell me this _now_...I don't believe you, Steve."

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth - that you didn't trust me enough to let me know you had contacted him. That he was going to help with this mission. You didn't trust me to make the right decision."

"Natasha, that is taking things way out of proportion. I didn't want to see you upset. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable unnecessarily. Okay, now I see, I was wrong. But I didn't want you to think he was back for sure. We don't even know that much."

"So much for letting me figure things out on my own then. Don't ever get the idea that you need to coddle me."

" _Christ_ , Natasha, I was just trying to think of you," Steve said, face reddened with a hint of anger; his eyebrows furrowed dangerously now, "Stop trying to convince me and yourself that I don't trust you. I didn't want to see you get hurt again. That's all."

"Lies," she said - something inside her awoke; something unhealthy and painful. A Natasha that hadn't been around for a while - one that was angry and confused and uncertain and one that loved lashing out to get rid of the pain that bubbled inside of her.

This was what she'd been afraid of. The Black Widow's bite.

"I'm sorry, Nat. I was trying to avoid...I don't know...I guess I didn't want you to face him when you've been feeling so off lately."

"Save it Rogers. I can't believe you didn't trust me with this. You lied to me! You knew and I asked you about it and you didn't come clean! You were supposed to be different - the one I could trust and you bring Banner into this."

"Natasha, it's for the mission. I didn't call him to talk to you. For you to confront him - whether you're ready or not for that. I didn't call him to fix things between the team; between you two. I called him because we needed him for the mission."

"How did you know where he was? You knew already?"

"No. I didn't, but Tony did. He's been looking for Bruce every since he flew off after Sokovia. Tony had several locations pinpointed. When we actually got a drop on him, Tony asked him to come over and help with the area we needed him for. I figured telling you we'd found him was enough. I was going to let you chose what to do with that information."

"I don't believe you," she repeated.

"Nat, c'mon. I've always been honest with you."

"Until today."

Steve ran a tired hand down his face; his eyes desperately searching for the right words. None came to mind, by the look of things. Before anger got the best of him too, he pressed his lips together and turned his back to her to settle his breathing.

Natasha clenched her fists. Stepping in front of him, she looked up to Steve defiantly.

"Don't turn your back, Rogers," she said, cheeks red, "You couldn't called someone else - anyone - Dr. Cho could have done it alone. When you saw them here you could have warned me instead of waiting there and letting me walk in there like a fool. You knew I'd show up eventually. But you stayed quiet. And I went in there unprepared. You know what he caused me - you know!"

"No, Natasha, I don't. I never did. Because even when you talked to me, you didn't."

"You said you'd wait until I was ready to talk about all of it."

"And I am, but don't blame me for Bruce being here. He's part of our team, Romanoff. We can't just exile him because you don't want to deal with it. Guess what, others in the team go through the exact same thing. Everyday."

"It's different."

"Why? Because you _think_ I'm not in love with you anymore?"

They froze, looking at each other before breaking eye contact - Steve the first to backtrack, cheeks flushed. Natasha took a subconscious step closer to him. Only the sound of her heart thumping away in rapid, uneven beats kept her focused.

Her mind had turned white - instantly had forgotten what they'd been arguing about; Bruce had diminished to the side like a burning candle at the last of its hour, out-shined by something else. Something forgotten from a person whose embers she'd thought cold and lacking the hypnotic glow.

Had her work all that year been in vain? Steve still loved her? No. No. No.

The idea only brought a comfort she wasn't expecting - the revival of a loss she'd mourned without mourning. A voice deep in the crevices of her heart that screamed yes.

It was far more difficult to push herself away from that yes and cling to the no - to continue pressing it onto herself that it was the right thing to do when around her she was seeing a second chance and something she was wholeheartedly afraid of.

It was a curious feeling within her; devastation like flames destroying her surroundings and when she least expected it - air, fresh like spring, filled her lungs, cleared the ashes. And for a moment there was clarity.

Then the moment was gone.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered, composure regained, "I'll be in the lab with Bruce and Tony. This mission is my priority, Natasha. Stopping Red Skull is what I was created for - whether I was a good soldier or a good man and what I became between then and now; it doesn't matter. I need to stop him. It's going to be my priority. And that's why I called Banner. I didn't want to hurt you but I need all the help I can get. I'm sorry you can't trust me anymore. I'm sorry I made you feel like I don't trust you...but I'm not sorry I called him...I can't...I won't…"

"Steve wait…" Nat whispered, as he stepped further away from her. He looked about ready to flinch from her touch - he looked exposed and vulnerable. Shit, "Forget about that. What you said...we-"

"I can't," he said, walking back until he turned and left.

And the most conflicting part of all of this mess, Natasha thought, was the incessant tug at the pit of her stomach and the disturbing and unsettling bundle of nervousness that took hold of her lungs. It was the feeling between entrapment and wanting everything to be pushed away - whether good or bad.

She just needed to be alone on the inside, ridding herself of all the feelings unknown to her. Everyone in their sanity is afraid of the unknown. And to her - it felt like she was facing a black hole.

She'd pushed away feeling like this for so long, it was almost impossible to know what the feelings within her really represented. All she could do was take deep breaths, ignore the slight trembling of her cold hands, and convince herself it was all confusion.

It was all a toxic mixture of curiosity, loneliness and the desire to feel normal - maybe it was that. Maybe it was something entirely different - something that should be feared for it had the ability to completely destroy her.

Maybe above everything else - it was was Natasha's greatest fear of believing Steve could still be in love with her. Because if it were true - she'd realize just how completely in love with Steve she was - or could be - or had been - or would always be.

After all, love was red, bold unwavering red; one that could never wash away - like his hold on her and her firm hold on him.

But with this quasi realization came the ice cold truth.

Natasha Romanoff, you are a mess and you fucked it up.

There's no going anywhere now - forward or back. You're stuck and it's right in the middle between knowing you love him and knowing there's nothing you'll do about it.

And it's your own damn fault.


End file.
